Men

It finally happened. Some presumptious man thought that his beckoning hand would interrupt my morning job. I couldn't even believe it. I'm sure that he was not at all thinking about my heart rate, my speed, the fact that I was already late. Nevertheless, it was ballsy of him to risk the inevitable rejection. Good for him - he's got balls! But he does not have my number.

Invisibility

Why must people pretend to not see the color of my skin? I am not defined solely by my skin color, but it is an important part of who I am. Political correctness, the desire to be color blind, or whatever else you want to call it, it's offensive. I am a proud African-American woman, and to pretend not to notice is to deny an important part of my identity. Please don't do that. And don't raise your kids to feel uncomfortable mentioning or acknowledging that someone looks different from them. It makes it seem like difference is somehow bad or wrong, and they will grow up and be the kind of people who think they're being sensitive by not acknowledging the fact that the Black woman in the room is the only one who doesn't look like everyone else. It's ok - I'd rather be different than invisible.

Day 1

Today was my first day at my new internship, a place where I will spend about 24 hours/week for the next 9 months. Last year my internship was just north of hell, but I survived, with 3 hopefully lifelong friends and a lot of important lessons. And hopefully, I made at least a small difference in the life of a child. This year promises to be a big improvement. People who take their jobs seriously, who really believe in what they do and genuinely want to help traumatized children & families. It's funny how your path can bring you to a place (or an idea or a person or whatever) where you feel like you are supposed to be, even though the way that you got there is often circuitous and far from pleasant. But, if my path was different, would I be the same me? No, I don't think so, because my experiences have shaped the person that I am and am becoming, and I am grateful for that person. A bad internship gives me a greater appreciation for what I hope to be a good internship. Bad relationships hopefully help make better future relationship decisions. You get the picture.

On another note, although this blog is no longer a 'fitness' blog, I do need to lose some weight for sure! I am trying not to make the mistakes I made last year, which led me to gain about 25 lbs, leaving me at a current net weight loss of 25 lbs (I've lost a few of them). But I'm having a hard time falling into a weight-loss groove, for whatever reason. I haven't figured out how to do all the things I need to do (tracking my calories, preparing my meals, pre-calculating my caloric intake for the day, etc.), but I need to do it quick fast and in a hurry before I look up and another 6 months have passed by with me at the same weight. But, I am in the gym, running, and feeling good about what I can do in the weight room and out on the road. The glass is half full!

Change

Since everybody seems to be talking about change lately, I decided to join the party and change my blog. What was 'Rebecca's Fitness Journey' is now 'The Pursuit of Balance'. That doesn't mean that my fitness journey has ended, it is (as it always was) a part of a pretty full life, and I wanted to allow myself the freedom to talk about other things, not as a sidenote to fitness but as a part of my overall life journey. So, I guess I'll be writing about my political views (my brother will love that), my weight loss/fitness experiences, my social views, my personal life (not too personal though, cuz... just cuz), and whatever else strikes my fancy at any given moment. Stay tuned!

Check-In

Things are crazy in my world right now. As my first year of grad school comes to a close, the powers that be have decided that everything should be do at the same time. The combo of school work - group projects, papers, readings, and no home Internet access makes blogging (and weight loss) a challenge. Oh well, it's almost over.

I'm 30 now, and I'm still the same size. I thought I would be 20 or 30 lbs smaller. Disappointing. Oh well. But I have come to a point of accepting my limitations. It's getting easier for me to allow myself the flexibility to know what I can and cannot do. It's still not easy because I have this superwoman/i am woman i can do everything complex, but it's getting better. Hopefully this knowledge will allow me to pace myself better in the future, so I don't get into so many situations where I have to back away.

I'm still hitting the gym. I'm even inspiring other people to work out! And I'm working on my eating. Right now I'm away from home, in LA, so it's a little harder. But when school is over I will have more time to spend on eating properly, working out, the whole 9. Summer can't get here fast enough. But one more thing I've learned: time goes by fast. I still haven't quite gotten used to being 30, but I better get used to it quick, cuz before I know it I'll be 31.

Balance

Not my strong suit. I tend to go full-steam ahead. With everything. 100% commitment to whatever it is that I decide to commit to. This is not always in my best interest. Sometimes I am so committed to being committed to my commitments that I forget to be balanced. For me, that often means self-care. Being in school for social work, spending 24 hours/week in an inner-city school counseling kids about their issues requires balance. Next year I will be working at an agency that serves children & families who've been abused. Heavy stuff. I need to continue to learn how, when other things & people are demanding my attention & energy, to take care of myself. Balance.

After taking a lengthy 'break' from my extremely restrictive diet, and gaining too many pounds to count here, I decided to go back to basics. The basics that I learned at Weight Watchers back in the day about choices and calories. The basics that helped me to lose my first, I dunno, 32 pounds. Granted, I have managed to lose 16 more on my own, but it took me a whole lot longer when I started following a bunch of different diet plans. I'm not discrediting them. My body has changed, and I definitely subscribe to the importance of protein and veggies and lifting heavy. But it's easy for me to just restrict. I have the discipline to eat a very regimented diet plan, but it's actually harder to say 'I can eat whatever I want, but I need to make good choices within a caloric budget'. Balance.

I have to confess - I am way off track for my birthday goal. Now, my goal is just to get back to my pre-Christmas goal. Bummer. But it is what it is. I'm training for a half-marathon, which will be the deadline for my final weight loss. I'm trying to stay away from the guilt and just move forward from here.

Back to basics. Let's see how it goes.

Gym Encounters

OK, I'm irritated with cyberworld right now because I have to rewrite this blog. Plus I'm mad because the Patriots lost the Superbowl the year I decided to actually watch & care. Unbelievable.

Random thoughts about the gym...

1) Why run at 9.0 when you have to hold on to the sides of the treadmill? Here's a hint - you are doing too much. Slow down.

2) Why is it that some people don't apply deodorant before they come to the gym, and some people apply too much? Where's the balance? I was overwhelmed on the treadmill by an overly cologned man yesterday. Not fun.

3) Why is it that because I'm a girl you don't expect me to take my workout seriously? A high school friend saw me at the gym today and expressed surprise: a) that i was lifting weights (duh!) and b) that I time my rests. Um... newsflash: I didn't come to play. I came to get it done. Don't sleep on me. Nuff said.

4) I felt so accomplished yesterday running 4 miles at the beginning of my day. What a great feeling. It reminded me of something that I almost forgot: I love to run. I love to lift weights. I love to work out.

I Guess It's Working...

After a month's hiatus, I am back on a weight loss track. Whew! I have started a (somewhat) new nutrition plan, and a very new exercise routine. My new weight lifting regimen has kicked my ass.

I have been doing mostly compound movements for the past 6 months or so, but this new routine does compound movement and isolation exercises, split up over 3 days. Yesterday was leg day, and I did squats, split squats, leg extensions, leg curls, calf raises, step ups, reverse lunges, and decline crunches. And today, I feel like an old woman cuz I can barely walk. The routine mixes low sets/reps heavy weight with lighter weight and higher reps, and it is no joke. I couldn't get out of bed this morning to go for my run.

I'm sure it will get better, and I do like the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies soreness, so I won't complain too much. Hopefully the soreness will ultimately be followed by results. Let's see how it goes!

I Remember When...

I dreaded restricting my eating... now I look forward to it.

The idea of following a plan for 16 weeks was daunting... now I am about to start a training program for a half-marathon.

I couldn't run 1 mile straight. Now I can say I ran 6.2!

I thought that staying home on a weekend night was lame. Now I look forward to being able to stay home and relax.

I drank an orange soda every day. Now I eliminate it from my diet and don't even miss it!

I thought that losing weight was something that other people could do, but it wouldn't work for me. Now I have lost 48 lbs.

I thought that my life wouldn't make a difference. Now I'm sure it will.

I valued quantity over quality. Now I know that when it comes to love & friendship, quality is way more important.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

It was fun at first, eating what I wanted to, within reason. I made a conscious decision to take a break from my diet, fully aware that I would gain some weight. I accepted that and decided that it was worth it to be able to have dietary flexibility over the holidays. I have put on some weight, but I also got to see some people that I didn't really get to see during the semester. Worth it, because I have no doubt that I will buckle down & take it off as quickly as possible.

But the funny thing is, I stopped having fun. Eating what I want lost its luster about a week or so ago. Don't get me wrong, I didn't wolf down a whole pizza & 2 liter soda or anything, but I indulged. I thought I would enjoy it so much I would be sad for it to end, but I'm not. I am looking forward to restarting my diet. Which is crazy, because I remember 2 years ago I was completely unwilling to give up my orange soda & dessert to lose weight. My how things have changed. Which is a good feeling, even while I'm eating some cheez its or something, to know that I'm in total control.

So I get back into weight loss on Tuesday. I found a half-marathon to run on May 25 that supports programs for at-risk kids in Boston, which is a cause I believe in. So I'm excited. I start training for that the week of February 10. I realized that long-term goals like that really help me and give me something to work toward. One of the funny things about losing weight is that you can set a numerical goal, but you really have no idea whether that number is going to produce the look you want until you get there. I'm figuring that the amount of running I'll be doing from February 10 - March 29 will help me achieve my goal. And if I get to my number without having the look, I'll have 8 more weeks to get it. Sounds like a plan.

5 Pounds

You would think that while I'm out of class I would be a model blogger, but not so much. Lack of home internet access is certainly a major contributing factor.

I have been enjoying my break from Get Shredded and regimented eating. I planned to take a 2 week break, but was worried about how much weight I would have to re-lose. Thankfully, it seems that in spite of my indulgences my weight is holding steady at 5 lbs up, which is ok with me. I will re-start GS on January 22, and probably do 3 more 14-day cycles. I'm hoping that will leave me at my goal weight, but we'll see. Definitely want to be at 140 by March 29 - my 30th birthday. Once I restart, it's on & poppin until I hit my goal, then I will do get unshredded to incorporate carbs slowly back in without gaining weight, and then I will probably start really focusing on getting the definition in my arms & other places. That's gonna be fun. :)

I have been running again, which is great. I did not lose much, if any, of my cardio capacity when I took a month or so off. That makes me happy.

Although I have been enjoying the freedom of eating pretty much what I want, it's not like it was. I no longer eat something just because it's there. I can have what I want, but it doesn't have me, and that's a big difference for which I am extremely grateful. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Losing weight has definitely taught me that I have the ability to delay gratification on an ongoing basis. That is a powerful lesson that has benefitted me in other areas of my life.

The New Gym Crowd

Ok, I know it's January. How do I know? Because the gym is packed with people who are determined that they are going to get in shape this year. You can tell who the newbies are by the way they walk around inspecting the machines to see what muscles they work. Or the way they wander around the weight room trying to figure out what to do with themselves. They get on the treadmill and painstakingly choose a program and speed. They look at the people around them (and there are plenty) to see what they are doing. This is why I am a morning gym girl - there is far less competition and crowding at 6:30 in the morning. Unfortunately I had to go to the gym at 4:30 pm one day this week, and there were too many people for me. One guy stalked me on the bike. As soon as I got off, he was, literally, next to me, ready to take over. He must have been watching me for cues. And then he stared at me until I left. Of course, I stared back until he gave me a little weak-ass smile. Whateva man. Next day - 6:30 am - ghost town. Just the old faithfuls who have been there all along. Some of the newbies will be there in 6 months and beyond. Some will go until February and fall off until next December. But they'll be back next year. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking down or judging them. We all start somewhere. I started lifting weights to give myself something to do to heal from a break up almost 10 years ago, and I stuck with it and will continue to do so. The question is not where you start, the question is where you are going. I hope that all the new year's resolution gym goers create a lifelong habit of exercise & good nutrition, as long as they stay out of my way. ;)

The Next Level

I've noticed a few 'year in review' posts, so I figured I'd throw my own into the mix. Last year was a pretty big year for me. I applied to grad school, which was an emotionally harrowing process. And I actually got in and received a scholarship that covers almost half of my tuition. I busted my ass my first semester to get grades that I am proud of. I got down to a weight I haven't been since college, and wear a size that I have never worn before. I ran my first 10K. The most important thing to me is not necessarily the accomplishments, but what I have learned about myself. I have learned that I am a finisher. Period. I don't make haphazard decisions or undertake endeavors lightly, because when I decide to do something, I give it my all. I learned that I know how to weather ups & downs to get things done. I learned that I persevere through discomfort, pain and change. I have learned that I am a person that I am proud of.

I am looking forward to taking it to the next level in 2008. I want to run a half-marathon, and a faster 10K time. I want to lose the last however many pounds required to have a flat stomach, and chiseled arms & legs. I want to continue to achieve academically & professionally at the highest level possible for me. I want to continue to nurture relationships that are healthy and fulfilling, allowing myself to be sharpened by intimacy. I want to make choices based on what's best, not what's easiest or most comfortable. I want to continue my quest to understand myself, face the things in me that are broken, unresolved and undeveloped so that I can be the best me I can be. Yeah, I have big goals for 2008, but I have no doubt that they are achievable. I have learned that the most important thing is for me to be able to look in the mirror on December 31 and know that I did my absolute best to bring them to pass. That's what really matters.