Size 8

I have been shrinking out of my size 10s lately, but unwilling to risk the rejection of trying on 8s that don't fit. Yesterday I found a good price on a pair of GAP jeans and decided to try on an 8. IT FIT!! I couldn't believe it. Never have I bought a pair of size 8 jeans. I am at a friend's house for Christmas, and she keeps remarking about how small I've gotten, and it reinforces just how much progress I've made. You know how you get used to seeing yourself, you forget where you came from. I have no pictures - a blessing & a curse, in my opinion. But I can now wear a size 8, and hopefully by the end of January, with an extra push, I will be down my last 12 pounds (might be more by the time the holidays are over, but that's ok), and perhaps in a 6. We'll see!

To all who celebrate this holiday - Merry Christmas!

It Feels Good...

Who sang that song? I can't remember who it was, I wanna say Bell Biv Devoe, but I'm not sure... anybody who knows, let me know!

I decided earlier this week to go ahead & add cardio back into my routine. Yay! I did weights only for about 3 weeks, and I have seen results, but not anything earth-shattering. So back to the cardio for me. I hit the treadmill today for the first time in what felt like forever, and I swear that in spite of the unrelated drama that preceded it, I smiled. Yep, me, smiling about getting on the treadmill. Can we just say twilight zone? I was all discombobulated, getting my HR monitor and stuff together, but it felt good once I got going. I only did 20:00, 1 mile at 5.0, and the rest was warm-up & cool-down. Man, I missed running! I felt light, which was interesting. So my hope is that over the next 4-6 weeks, with the re-introduction of cardio into my regimen, combined with the more flexible schedule I will have until January 23, my last 12 lbs will disappear.

I have decided to give myself a little dietary break over the next 2 weeks or so, but then add an extra 2 week cycle of Get SHredded, taking me through the end of January. I have been fairly secluded since school started, and the next 2 weeks, while I am off from my internship & school, I will have time to get together with people that I have not been able to see in months. I don't want the restrictions of my 55% fat diet to prevent me from enjoying their company. So, I will allow myself 1 cheat meal per day for the next 2 weeks for this purpose. Meaning the rest of the time will be business as usual. This is not a license to stuff my face - I don't want to undo all my sacrifice over the past 4 weeks. But it is a license for some flexibility, and I am going to plan to throw some extra cardio in there to offset some of the damage. We'll see how it goes!

Drumroll Please

As I type I am waiting to make the final final edits on my final paper. When I email it I will have officially ended my first semester of grad school. Time off, here I come! It's been a tough semester in lots of ways, but I still sit back sometimes and say 'wow, i'm in grad school'.

I guess it's fair to say that my diet is working. A pair of jeans that I wore proudly on December 1 because they actually fit are now loose in the waist. A pair of pants that I bought at the end of the summer and were snug (size 10) now have to be rolled over at the waist and they are still loose. It's frustrating but encouraging at the same time. A classmate commented that she noticed my jeans are baggier and expects that I will look different when she sees me again on January 23. It goes to show that the scale is not the whole story, because I have only lost 1 or 2 lbs since December 1, yet I am quickly shrinking out of my jeans. Sunday is re-feed, measurements and calipers, so I guess I will have a more complete picture then.

I decided to add cardio into my routine. Almost 4 weeks with only weights and I haven't seen significant enough changes to warrant the continued elimination of cardio. I'm actually excited about working up a juicy cardio sweat. Nothing like it!

Last night my food-peddling professor brought cake. She gave me lots of grief about not eating it, which I expected, but I stood my ground. Later she said 'I'm only messing with you. I actually admire your self-restraint'. Funny. Thanks D!

Tiny, Tiny

I was going to title this how people see you, but I changed my mind. My hairdresser and I had a conversation about my weight loss. I told her I want to lose about 10 more pounds. Her response was 'oh, you wanna be tiny tiny. Why do you wanna be so tiny?' Well, first of all, I don't think of myself as tiny. At all. But when I started going to her, I was 47 pounds bigger. So comparatively speaking, I guess I'm tiny. But when I see myself, I see someone who needs to lose at least 13 more pounds. It's just funny how people see you so differently from the way that you see yourself. That can be a good thing, I suppose. I'm anxious to take off the last of this weight, so I can get my tattoo and cut my hair. I don't know when it's going to come off. The chances of me losing 13 pounds by December 31 are, well, slim to say the least. And who knows, I may not have the body that I'm really looking for by March 29. But I want to be able to look back and know that I gave it my best shot. No questions, no doubts - I gave it 100%, and this is what I got. Through Thanksgiving, Christmas, parent nights, birthday parties... 100% through it all. Nothing less will do.

The Final Countdown...

A combination of lack of home Internet access and finals has made blogging/checking blogs pretty much impossible. I can't believe the first semester of grad school is almost over! I am so tired, not only physically, but it has been a mentally and emotionally exhausting three months.

Last week I was feeling a bit discouraged because my weight was not coming off the way that I wanted it to. I was all set to give this diet one more try, and then call it a day, because I feel like it's costing me a fair amount - it's holiday time, and I can't really participate in much of the (very little) holiday activity that is around me. It's totally worth it to get the desired results, but not so much if it's not working. I felt like it wasn't working. I think measuring muscle building/fat loss progress is harder than pure weight loss. The measurements are not always as satisfying as seeing that number on the scale drop. Plus, you have to depend on what you see, which is kinda tricky, cuz if we saw ourselves accurately perhaps we wouldn't have gained so much weight in the first place.

But I was rejuvenated when I did my measurements. Since 11/18, I've lost 1.25" off my waist .75" from my hips, .25" from my thighs, .25" - calves. Not spectacular results, but solid. Can't complain. Clothes that were tight a few months ago are now loose, which is always strange. Plus I'm stronger than I was a month ago, when I started this exercise regimen. So I'm giving it another 2 cycles, having revised my goals in light of my progress thus far. Still pressing on!

I am Me

Why do people think that food is love? My favorite professor teases me about my healthy food choices in class (e.g. snap peas). She brings food to class, sometimes healthy, but never anything I can eat. Yesterday she brought cinnamon sugar rugelah. I love rugelah (although I'm not sure I'm spelling it right). Our conversation went something like this:
'Try one'
'No thanks'
'Oh, you have to try one. They're so good!'
'No, I can't'
'Just take a bite. You can throw the rest away'
'No, really. Thanks though'
She finally gave up. Thank God. Of course, the class ate and enjoyed, and left the empty bag by my seat at the end. Not on purpose I'm sure. Nevertheless - thanks guys! I sat, feeling a bit left out. In fact, if I am honest with myself, I might say that it affected my disposition for the entire 2 hour class. But, and not to be mean, the person next to me, who raved the loudest about how yummy they were, is significantly overweight. A good 50+ pounds overweight. She served as a nice visual reminder of the results I got from eating whatever was put in front of me. So, although I felt left out, and will be thankful for the day that I can indulge moderately in those types of situations, I was reminded that I am working on something. Something that is, truthfully, out of the ordinary. And when you do out of the ordinary things, you stand out. But I'm ok with that.

Something that has become clearer to me throughout this journey is the fact that it's mine and noone else's. I will never be able to eat whatever I want whenever I want, like some people can. Oh well. I will never (nor do I have the desire to) be a stick figure. Just not in the genes. Oh well. But I am me. I have curves, and I'm strong. I am just now realizing that I am 'normal-sized'. I'm not fat anymore. I still have weight to lose, but I'm no longer fat, which is a nice feeling. When I get to a size 6, I will probably not look like my sister does at a 6. But I'll look like me, and that's all I can do, is be the best, most authentic version of me possible in every dimension of my life. That's what it's all about.

Extra Committed?

Spotty Internet access has put a dent in my blogging - reading & posting, but I have a few things to say.

1) I seem to have gotten a little bit of motivation back for my diet. Not sure why or where it came from, but I have another 5 days until my refeed, so I'm grateful.

2) Someone called me 'extra committed' because I ducked out of a social event early to comply with my diet. Comedy show, but no dinner & drinks after. I passed because I didn't want to a) be tempted by other people's food & drink b) spend $ eating something that I might regret because it doesn't comply with my caloric intake. I didn't think of it as being extra committed. To me, that's just getting it done.

3) I'm getting stronger, which is a nice feeling. On Sunday I repeated a workout, and what was hard/almost impossible for me last time I did that rep scheme was much easier, and I will increase my weights on the next go-round.

4) Someone who hasn't seen me in a little bit called me tiny. :) I still don't think of myself as tiny, but I'll take it! A friend who sees me regularly also tells me I'm tiny, so maybe there's some truth to it. ;)