Men

It finally happened. Some presumptious man thought that his beckoning hand would interrupt my morning job. I couldn't even believe it. I'm sure that he was not at all thinking about my heart rate, my speed, the fact that I was already late. Nevertheless, it was ballsy of him to risk the inevitable rejection. Good for him - he's got balls! But he does not have my number.

Invisibility

Why must people pretend to not see the color of my skin? I am not defined solely by my skin color, but it is an important part of who I am. Political correctness, the desire to be color blind, or whatever else you want to call it, it's offensive. I am a proud African-American woman, and to pretend not to notice is to deny an important part of my identity. Please don't do that. And don't raise your kids to feel uncomfortable mentioning or acknowledging that someone looks different from them. It makes it seem like difference is somehow bad or wrong, and they will grow up and be the kind of people who think they're being sensitive by not acknowledging the fact that the Black woman in the room is the only one who doesn't look like everyone else. It's ok - I'd rather be different than invisible.

Day 1

Today was my first day at my new internship, a place where I will spend about 24 hours/week for the next 9 months. Last year my internship was just north of hell, but I survived, with 3 hopefully lifelong friends and a lot of important lessons. And hopefully, I made at least a small difference in the life of a child. This year promises to be a big improvement. People who take their jobs seriously, who really believe in what they do and genuinely want to help traumatized children & families. It's funny how your path can bring you to a place (or an idea or a person or whatever) where you feel like you are supposed to be, even though the way that you got there is often circuitous and far from pleasant. But, if my path was different, would I be the same me? No, I don't think so, because my experiences have shaped the person that I am and am becoming, and I am grateful for that person. A bad internship gives me a greater appreciation for what I hope to be a good internship. Bad relationships hopefully help make better future relationship decisions. You get the picture.

On another note, although this blog is no longer a 'fitness' blog, I do need to lose some weight for sure! I am trying not to make the mistakes I made last year, which led me to gain about 25 lbs, leaving me at a current net weight loss of 25 lbs (I've lost a few of them). But I'm having a hard time falling into a weight-loss groove, for whatever reason. I haven't figured out how to do all the things I need to do (tracking my calories, preparing my meals, pre-calculating my caloric intake for the day, etc.), but I need to do it quick fast and in a hurry before I look up and another 6 months have passed by with me at the same weight. But, I am in the gym, running, and feeling good about what I can do in the weight room and out on the road. The glass is half full!

Change

Since everybody seems to be talking about change lately, I decided to join the party and change my blog. What was 'Rebecca's Fitness Journey' is now 'The Pursuit of Balance'. That doesn't mean that my fitness journey has ended, it is (as it always was) a part of a pretty full life, and I wanted to allow myself the freedom to talk about other things, not as a sidenote to fitness but as a part of my overall life journey. So, I guess I'll be writing about my political views (my brother will love that), my weight loss/fitness experiences, my social views, my personal life (not too personal though, cuz... just cuz), and whatever else strikes my fancy at any given moment. Stay tuned!

Check-In

Things are crazy in my world right now. As my first year of grad school comes to a close, the powers that be have decided that everything should be do at the same time. The combo of school work - group projects, papers, readings, and no home Internet access makes blogging (and weight loss) a challenge. Oh well, it's almost over.

I'm 30 now, and I'm still the same size. I thought I would be 20 or 30 lbs smaller. Disappointing. Oh well. But I have come to a point of accepting my limitations. It's getting easier for me to allow myself the flexibility to know what I can and cannot do. It's still not easy because I have this superwoman/i am woman i can do everything complex, but it's getting better. Hopefully this knowledge will allow me to pace myself better in the future, so I don't get into so many situations where I have to back away.

I'm still hitting the gym. I'm even inspiring other people to work out! And I'm working on my eating. Right now I'm away from home, in LA, so it's a little harder. But when school is over I will have more time to spend on eating properly, working out, the whole 9. Summer can't get here fast enough. But one more thing I've learned: time goes by fast. I still haven't quite gotten used to being 30, but I better get used to it quick, cuz before I know it I'll be 31.

Balance

Not my strong suit. I tend to go full-steam ahead. With everything. 100% commitment to whatever it is that I decide to commit to. This is not always in my best interest. Sometimes I am so committed to being committed to my commitments that I forget to be balanced. For me, that often means self-care. Being in school for social work, spending 24 hours/week in an inner-city school counseling kids about their issues requires balance. Next year I will be working at an agency that serves children & families who've been abused. Heavy stuff. I need to continue to learn how, when other things & people are demanding my attention & energy, to take care of myself. Balance.

After taking a lengthy 'break' from my extremely restrictive diet, and gaining too many pounds to count here, I decided to go back to basics. The basics that I learned at Weight Watchers back in the day about choices and calories. The basics that helped me to lose my first, I dunno, 32 pounds. Granted, I have managed to lose 16 more on my own, but it took me a whole lot longer when I started following a bunch of different diet plans. I'm not discrediting them. My body has changed, and I definitely subscribe to the importance of protein and veggies and lifting heavy. But it's easy for me to just restrict. I have the discipline to eat a very regimented diet plan, but it's actually harder to say 'I can eat whatever I want, but I need to make good choices within a caloric budget'. Balance.

I have to confess - I am way off track for my birthday goal. Now, my goal is just to get back to my pre-Christmas goal. Bummer. But it is what it is. I'm training for a half-marathon, which will be the deadline for my final weight loss. I'm trying to stay away from the guilt and just move forward from here.

Back to basics. Let's see how it goes.

Gym Encounters

OK, I'm irritated with cyberworld right now because I have to rewrite this blog. Plus I'm mad because the Patriots lost the Superbowl the year I decided to actually watch & care. Unbelievable.

Random thoughts about the gym...

1) Why run at 9.0 when you have to hold on to the sides of the treadmill? Here's a hint - you are doing too much. Slow down.

2) Why is it that some people don't apply deodorant before they come to the gym, and some people apply too much? Where's the balance? I was overwhelmed on the treadmill by an overly cologned man yesterday. Not fun.

3) Why is it that because I'm a girl you don't expect me to take my workout seriously? A high school friend saw me at the gym today and expressed surprise: a) that i was lifting weights (duh!) and b) that I time my rests. Um... newsflash: I didn't come to play. I came to get it done. Don't sleep on me. Nuff said.

4) I felt so accomplished yesterday running 4 miles at the beginning of my day. What a great feeling. It reminded me of something that I almost forgot: I love to run. I love to lift weights. I love to work out.