The Pursuit of Balance

Men

2008-09-24T16:03:00.002-05:00

It finally happened. Some presumptious man thought that his beckoning hand would interrupt my morning job. I couldn't even believe it. I'm sure that he was not at all thinking about my heart rate, my speed, the fact that I was already late. Nevertheless, it was ballsy of him to risk the inevitable rejection. Good for him - he's got balls! But he does not have my number.

Invisibility

2008-09-11T21:04:00.002-05:00

Why must people pretend to not see the color of my skin? I am not defined solely by my skin color, but it is an important part of who I am. Political correctness, the desire to be color blind, or whatever else you want to call it, it's offensive. I am a proud African-American woman, and to pretend not to notice is to deny an important part of my identity. Please don't do that. And don't raise your kids to feel uncomfortable mentioning or acknowledging that someone looks different from them. It makes it seem like difference is somehow bad or wrong, and they will grow up and be the kind of people who think they're being sensitive by not acknowledging the fact that the Black woman in the room is the only one who doesn't look like everyone else. It's ok - I'd rather be different than invisible.

Day 1

2008-09-09T18:20:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day at my new internship, a place where I will spend about 24 hours/week for the next 9 months. Last year my internship was just north of hell, but I survived, with 3 hopefully lifelong friends and a lot of important lessons. And hopefully, I made at least a small difference in the life of a child. This year promises to be a big improvement. People who take their jobs seriously, who really believe in what they do and genuinely want to help traumatized children & families. It's funny how your path can bring you to a place (or an idea or a person or whatever) where you feel like you are supposed to be, even though the way that you got there is often circuitous and far from pleasant. But, if my path was different, would I be the same me? No, I don't think so, because my experiences have shaped the person that I am and am becoming, and I am grateful for that person. A bad internship gives me a greater appreciation for what I hope to be a good internship. Bad relationships hopefully help make better future relationship decisions. You get the picture.

On another note, although this blog is no longer a 'fitness' blog, I do need to lose some weight for sure! I am trying not to make the mistakes I made last year, which led me to gain about 25 lbs, leaving me at a current net weight loss of 25 lbs (I've lost a few of them). But I'm having a hard time falling into a weight-loss groove, for whatever reason. I haven't figured out how to do all the things I need to do (tracking my calories, preparing my meals, pre-calculating my caloric intake for the day, etc.), but I need to do it quick fast and in a hurry before I look up and another 6 months have passed by with me at the same weight. But, I am in the gym, running, and feeling good about what I can do in the weight room and out on the road. The glass is half full!

Change

2008-09-08T17:50:00.002-05:00

Since everybody seems to be talking about change lately, I decided to join the party and change my blog. What was 'Rebecca's Fitness Journey' is now 'The Pursuit of Balance'. That doesn't mean that my fitness journey has ended, it is (as it always was) a part of a pretty full life, and I wanted to allow myself the freedom to talk about other things, not as a sidenote to fitness but as a part of my overall life journey. So, I guess I'll be writing about my political views (my brother will love that), my weight loss/fitness experiences, my social views, my personal life (not too personal though, cuz... just cuz), and whatever else strikes my fancy at any given moment. Stay tuned!

Check-In

2008-04-03T01:36:00.002-05:00

Things are crazy in my world right now. As my first year of grad school comes to a close, the powers that be have decided that everything should be do at the same time. The combo of school work - group projects, papers, readings, and no home Internet access makes blogging (and weight loss) a challenge. Oh well, it's almost over.

I'm 30 now, and I'm still the same size. I thought I would be 20 or 30 lbs smaller. Disappointing. Oh well. But I have come to a point of accepting my limitations. It's getting easier for me to allow myself the flexibility to know what I can and cannot do. It's still not easy because I have this superwoman/i am woman i can do everything complex, but it's getting better. Hopefully this knowledge will allow me to pace myself better in the future, so I don't get into so many situations where I have to back away.

I'm still hitting the gym. I'm even inspiring other people to work out! And I'm working on my eating. Right now I'm away from home, in LA, so it's a little harder. But when school is over I will have more time to spend on eating properly, working out, the whole 9. Summer can't get here fast enough. But one more thing I've learned: time goes by fast. I still haven't quite gotten used to being 30, but I better get used to it quick, cuz before I know it I'll be 31.

Balance

2008-03-05T11:15:00.002-05:00

Not my strong suit. I tend to go full-steam ahead. With everything. 100% commitment to whatever it is that I decide to commit to. This is not always in my best interest. Sometimes I am so committed to being committed to my commitments that I forget to be balanced. For me, that often means self-care. Being in school for social work, spending 24 hours/week in an inner-city school counseling kids about their issues requires balance. Next year I will be working at an agency that serves children & families who've been abused. Heavy stuff. I need to continue to learn how, when other things & people are demanding my attention & energy, to take care of myself. Balance.

After taking a lengthy 'break' from my extremely restrictive diet, and gaining too many pounds to count here, I decided to go back to basics. The basics that I learned at Weight Watchers back in the day about choices and calories. The basics that helped me to lose my first, I dunno, 32 pounds. Granted, I have managed to lose 16 more on my own, but it took me a whole lot longer when I started following a bunch of different diet plans. I'm not discrediting them. My body has changed, and I definitely subscribe to the importance of protein and veggies and lifting heavy. But it's easy for me to just restrict. I have the discipline to eat a very regimented diet plan, but it's actually harder to say 'I can eat whatever I want, but I need to make good choices within a caloric budget'. Balance.

I have to confess - I am way off track for my birthday goal. Now, my goal is just to get back to my pre-Christmas goal. Bummer. But it is what it is. I'm training for a half-marathon, which will be the deadline for my final weight loss. I'm trying to stay away from the guilt and just move forward from here.

Back to basics. Let's see how it goes.

Gym Encounters

2008-02-03T20:04:00.001-05:00

OK, I'm irritated with cyberworld right now because I have to rewrite this blog. Plus I'm mad because the Patriots lost the Superbowl the year I decided to actually watch & care. Unbelievable.

Random thoughts about the gym...

1) Why run at 9.0 when you have to hold on to the sides of the treadmill? Here's a hint - you are doing too much. Slow down.

2) Why is it that some people don't apply deodorant before they come to the gym, and some people apply too much? Where's the balance? I was overwhelmed on the treadmill by an overly cologned man yesterday. Not fun.

3) Why is it that because I'm a girl you don't expect me to take my workout seriously? A high school friend saw me at the gym today and expressed surprise: a) that i was lifting weights (duh!) and b) that I time my rests. Um... newsflash: I didn't come to play. I came to get it done. Don't sleep on me. Nuff said.

4) I felt so accomplished yesterday running 4 miles at the beginning of my day. What a great feeling. It reminded me of something that I almost forgot: I love to run. I love to lift weights. I love to work out.

I Guess It's Working...

2008-01-30T17:19:00.000-05:00

After a month's hiatus, I am back on a weight loss track. Whew! I have started a (somewhat) new nutrition plan, and a very new exercise routine. My new weight lifting regimen has kicked my ass.

I have been doing mostly compound movements for the past 6 months or so, but this new routine does compound movement and isolation exercises, split up over 3 days. Yesterday was leg day, and I did squats, split squats, leg extensions, leg curls, calf raises, step ups, reverse lunges, and decline crunches. And today, I feel like an old woman cuz I can barely walk. The routine mixes low sets/reps heavy weight with lighter weight and higher reps, and it is no joke. I couldn't get out of bed this morning to go for my run.

I'm sure it will get better, and I do like the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies soreness, so I won't complain too much. Hopefully the soreness will ultimately be followed by results. Let's see how it goes!

I Remember When...

2008-01-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

I dreaded restricting my eating... now I look forward to it.

The idea of following a plan for 16 weeks was daunting... now I am about to start a training program for a half-marathon.

I couldn't run 1 mile straight. Now I can say I ran 6.2!

I thought that staying home on a weekend night was lame. Now I look forward to being able to stay home and relax.

I drank an orange soda every day. Now I eliminate it from my diet and don't even miss it!

I thought that losing weight was something that other people could do, but it wouldn't work for me. Now I have lost 48 lbs.

I thought that my life wouldn't make a difference. Now I'm sure it will.

I valued quantity over quality. Now I know that when it comes to love & friendship, quality is way more important.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

2008-01-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

It was fun at first, eating what I wanted to, within reason. I made a conscious decision to take a break from my diet, fully aware that I would gain some weight. I accepted that and decided that it was worth it to be able to have dietary flexibility over the holidays. I have put on some weight, but I also got to see some people that I didn't really get to see during the semester. Worth it, because I have no doubt that I will buckle down & take it off as quickly as possible.

But the funny thing is, I stopped having fun. Eating what I want lost its luster about a week or so ago. Don't get me wrong, I didn't wolf down a whole pizza & 2 liter soda or anything, but I indulged. I thought I would enjoy it so much I would be sad for it to end, but I'm not. I am looking forward to restarting my diet. Which is crazy, because I remember 2 years ago I was completely unwilling to give up my orange soda & dessert to lose weight. My how things have changed. Which is a good feeling, even while I'm eating some cheez its or something, to know that I'm in total control.

So I get back into weight loss on Tuesday. I found a half-marathon to run on May 25 that supports programs for at-risk kids in Boston, which is a cause I believe in. So I'm excited. I start training for that the week of February 10. I realized that long-term goals like that really help me and give me something to work toward. One of the funny things about losing weight is that you can set a numerical goal, but you really have no idea whether that number is going to produce the look you want until you get there. I'm figuring that the amount of running I'll be doing from February 10 - March 29 will help me achieve my goal. And if I get to my number without having the look, I'll have 8 more weeks to get it. Sounds like a plan.

5 Pounds

2008-01-09T11:37:00.000-05:00

You would think that while I'm out of class I would be a model blogger, but not so much. Lack of home internet access is certainly a major contributing factor.

I have been enjoying my break from Get Shredded and regimented eating. I planned to take a 2 week break, but was worried about how much weight I would have to re-lose. Thankfully, it seems that in spite of my indulgences my weight is holding steady at 5 lbs up, which is ok with me. I will re-start GS on January 22, and probably do 3 more 14-day cycles. I'm hoping that will leave me at my goal weight, but we'll see. Definitely want to be at 140 by March 29 - my 30th birthday. Once I restart, it's on & poppin until I hit my goal, then I will do get unshredded to incorporate carbs slowly back in without gaining weight, and then I will probably start really focusing on getting the definition in my arms & other places. That's gonna be fun. :)

I have been running again, which is great. I did not lose much, if any, of my cardio capacity when I took a month or so off. That makes me happy.

Although I have been enjoying the freedom of eating pretty much what I want, it's not like it was. I no longer eat something just because it's there. I can have what I want, but it doesn't have me, and that's a big difference for which I am extremely grateful. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Losing weight has definitely taught me that I have the ability to delay gratification on an ongoing basis. That is a powerful lesson that has benefitted me in other areas of my life.

The New Gym Crowd

2008-01-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know it's January. How do I know? Because the gym is packed with people who are determined that they are going to get in shape this year. You can tell who the newbies are by the way they walk around inspecting the machines to see what muscles they work. Or the way they wander around the weight room trying to figure out what to do with themselves. They get on the treadmill and painstakingly choose a program and speed. They look at the people around them (and there are plenty) to see what they are doing. This is why I am a morning gym girl - there is far less competition and crowding at 6:30 in the morning. Unfortunately I had to go to the gym at 4:30 pm one day this week, and there were too many people for me. One guy stalked me on the bike. As soon as I got off, he was, literally, next to me, ready to take over. He must have been watching me for cues. And then he stared at me until I left. Of course, I stared back until he gave me a little weak-ass smile. Whateva man. Next day - 6:30 am - ghost town. Just the old faithfuls who have been there all along. Some of the newbies will be there in 6 months and beyond. Some will go until February and fall off until next December. But they'll be back next year. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking down or judging them. We all start somewhere. I started lifting weights to give myself something to do to heal from a break up almost 10 years ago, and I stuck with it and will continue to do so. The question is not where you start, the question is where you are going. I hope that all the new year's resolution gym goers create a lifelong habit of exercise & good nutrition, as long as they stay out of my way. ;)

The Next Level

2008-01-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

I've noticed a few 'year in review' posts, so I figured I'd throw my own into the mix. Last year was a pretty big year for me. I applied to grad school, which was an emotionally harrowing process. And I actually got in and received a scholarship that covers almost half of my tuition. I busted my ass my first semester to get grades that I am proud of. I got down to a weight I haven't been since college, and wear a size that I have never worn before. I ran my first 10K. The most important thing to me is not necessarily the accomplishments, but what I have learned about myself. I have learned that I am a finisher. Period. I don't make haphazard decisions or undertake endeavors lightly, because when I decide to do something, I give it my all. I learned that I know how to weather ups & downs to get things done. I learned that I persevere through discomfort, pain and change. I have learned that I am a person that I am proud of.

I am looking forward to taking it to the next level in 2008. I want to run a half-marathon, and a faster 10K time. I want to lose the last however many pounds required to have a flat stomach, and chiseled arms & legs. I want to continue to achieve academically & professionally at the highest level possible for me. I want to continue to nurture relationships that are healthy and fulfilling, allowing myself to be sharpened by intimacy. I want to make choices based on what's best, not what's easiest or most comfortable. I want to continue my quest to understand myself, face the things in me that are broken, unresolved and undeveloped so that I can be the best me I can be. Yeah, I have big goals for 2008, but I have no doubt that they are achievable. I have learned that the most important thing is for me to be able to look in the mirror on December 31 and know that I did my absolute best to bring them to pass. That's what really matters.

Size 8

2007-12-25T18:18:00.000-05:00

I have been shrinking out of my size 10s lately, but unwilling to risk the rejection of trying on 8s that don't fit. Yesterday I found a good price on a pair of GAP jeans and decided to try on an 8. IT FIT!! I couldn't believe it. Never have I bought a pair of size 8 jeans. I am at a friend's house for Christmas, and she keeps remarking about how small I've gotten, and it reinforces just how much progress I've made. You know how you get used to seeing yourself, you forget where you came from. I have no pictures - a blessing & a curse, in my opinion. But I can now wear a size 8, and hopefully by the end of January, with an extra push, I will be down my last 12 pounds (might be more by the time the holidays are over, but that's ok), and perhaps in a 6. We'll see!

To all who celebrate this holiday - Merry Christmas!

It Feels Good...

2007-12-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

Who sang that song? I can't remember who it was, I wanna say Bell Biv Devoe, but I'm not sure... anybody who knows, let me know!

I decided earlier this week to go ahead & add cardio back into my routine. Yay! I did weights only for about 3 weeks, and I have seen results, but not anything earth-shattering. So back to the cardio for me. I hit the treadmill today for the first time in what felt like forever, and I swear that in spite of the unrelated drama that preceded it, I smiled. Yep, me, smiling about getting on the treadmill. Can we just say twilight zone? I was all discombobulated, getting my HR monitor and stuff together, but it felt good once I got going. I only did 20:00, 1 mile at 5.0, and the rest was warm-up & cool-down. Man, I missed running! I felt light, which was interesting. So my hope is that over the next 4-6 weeks, with the re-introduction of cardio into my regimen, combined with the more flexible schedule I will have until January 23, my last 12 lbs will disappear.

I have decided to give myself a little dietary break over the next 2 weeks or so, but then add an extra 2 week cycle of Get SHredded, taking me through the end of January. I have been fairly secluded since school started, and the next 2 weeks, while I am off from my internship & school, I will have time to get together with people that I have not been able to see in months. I don't want the restrictions of my 55% fat diet to prevent me from enjoying their company. So, I will allow myself 1 cheat meal per day for the next 2 weeks for this purpose. Meaning the rest of the time will be business as usual. This is not a license to stuff my face - I don't want to undo all my sacrifice over the past 4 weeks. But it is a license for some flexibility, and I am going to plan to throw some extra cardio in there to offset some of the damage. We'll see how it goes!

Drumroll Please

2007-12-20T21:07:00.000-05:00

As I type I am waiting to make the final final edits on my final paper. When I email it I will have officially ended my first semester of grad school. Time off, here I come! It's been a tough semester in lots of ways, but I still sit back sometimes and say 'wow, i'm in grad school'.

I guess it's fair to say that my diet is working. A pair of jeans that I wore proudly on December 1 because they actually fit are now loose in the waist. A pair of pants that I bought at the end of the summer and were snug (size 10) now have to be rolled over at the waist and they are still loose. It's frustrating but encouraging at the same time. A classmate commented that she noticed my jeans are baggier and expects that I will look different when she sees me again on January 23. It goes to show that the scale is not the whole story, because I have only lost 1 or 2 lbs since December 1, yet I am quickly shrinking out of my jeans. Sunday is re-feed, measurements and calipers, so I guess I will have a more complete picture then.

I decided to add cardio into my routine. Almost 4 weeks with only weights and I haven't seen significant enough changes to warrant the continued elimination of cardio. I'm actually excited about working up a juicy cardio sweat. Nothing like it!

Last night my food-peddling professor brought cake. She gave me lots of grief about not eating it, which I expected, but I stood my ground. Later she said 'I'm only messing with you. I actually admire your self-restraint'. Funny. Thanks D!

Tiny, Tiny

2007-12-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

I was going to title this how people see you, but I changed my mind. My hairdresser and I had a conversation about my weight loss. I told her I want to lose about 10 more pounds. Her response was 'oh, you wanna be tiny tiny. Why do you wanna be so tiny?' Well, first of all, I don't think of myself as tiny. At all. But when I started going to her, I was 47 pounds bigger. So comparatively speaking, I guess I'm tiny. But when I see myself, I see someone who needs to lose at least 13 more pounds. It's just funny how people see you so differently from the way that you see yourself. That can be a good thing, I suppose. I'm anxious to take off the last of this weight, so I can get my tattoo and cut my hair. I don't know when it's going to come off. The chances of me losing 13 pounds by December 31 are, well, slim to say the least. And who knows, I may not have the body that I'm really looking for by March 29. But I want to be able to look back and know that I gave it my best shot. No questions, no doubts - I gave it 100%, and this is what I got. Through Thanksgiving, Christmas, parent nights, birthday parties... 100% through it all. Nothing less will do.

The Final Countdown...

2007-12-13T20:00:00.000-05:00

A combination of lack of home Internet access and finals has made blogging/checking blogs pretty much impossible. I can't believe the first semester of grad school is almost over! I am so tired, not only physically, but it has been a mentally and emotionally exhausting three months.

Last week I was feeling a bit discouraged because my weight was not coming off the way that I wanted it to. I was all set to give this diet one more try, and then call it a day, because I feel like it's costing me a fair amount - it's holiday time, and I can't really participate in much of the (very little) holiday activity that is around me. It's totally worth it to get the desired results, but not so much if it's not working. I felt like it wasn't working. I think measuring muscle building/fat loss progress is harder than pure weight loss. The measurements are not always as satisfying as seeing that number on the scale drop. Plus, you have to depend on what you see, which is kinda tricky, cuz if we saw ourselves accurately perhaps we wouldn't have gained so much weight in the first place.

But I was rejuvenated when I did my measurements. Since 11/18, I've lost 1.25" off my waist .75" from my hips, .25" from my thighs, .25" - calves. Not spectacular results, but solid. Can't complain. Clothes that were tight a few months ago are now loose, which is always strange. Plus I'm stronger than I was a month ago, when I started this exercise regimen. So I'm giving it another 2 cycles, having revised my goals in light of my progress thus far. Still pressing on!

I am Me

2007-12-07T12:19:00.000-05:00

Why do people think that food is love? My favorite professor teases me about my healthy food choices in class (e.g. snap peas). She brings food to class, sometimes healthy, but never anything I can eat. Yesterday she brought cinnamon sugar rugelah. I love rugelah (although I'm not sure I'm spelling it right). Our conversation went something like this:
'Try one'
'No thanks'
'Oh, you have to try one. They're so good!'
'No, I can't'
'Just take a bite. You can throw the rest away'
'No, really. Thanks though'
She finally gave up. Thank God. Of course, the class ate and enjoyed, and left the empty bag by my seat at the end. Not on purpose I'm sure. Nevertheless - thanks guys! I sat, feeling a bit left out. In fact, if I am honest with myself, I might say that it affected my disposition for the entire 2 hour class. But, and not to be mean, the person next to me, who raved the loudest about how yummy they were, is significantly overweight. A good 50+ pounds overweight. She served as a nice visual reminder of the results I got from eating whatever was put in front of me. So, although I felt left out, and will be thankful for the day that I can indulge moderately in those types of situations, I was reminded that I am working on something. Something that is, truthfully, out of the ordinary. And when you do out of the ordinary things, you stand out. But I'm ok with that.

Something that has become clearer to me throughout this journey is the fact that it's mine and noone else's. I will never be able to eat whatever I want whenever I want, like some people can. Oh well. I will never (nor do I have the desire to) be a stick figure. Just not in the genes. Oh well. But I am me. I have curves, and I'm strong. I am just now realizing that I am 'normal-sized'. I'm not fat anymore. I still have weight to lose, but I'm no longer fat, which is a nice feeling. When I get to a size 6, I will probably not look like my sister does at a 6. But I'll look like me, and that's all I can do, is be the best, most authentic version of me possible in every dimension of my life. That's what it's all about.

Extra Committed?

2007-12-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

Spotty Internet access has put a dent in my blogging - reading & posting, but I have a few things to say.

1) I seem to have gotten a little bit of motivation back for my diet. Not sure why or where it came from, but I have another 5 days until my refeed, so I'm grateful.

2) Someone called me 'extra committed' because I ducked out of a social event early to comply with my diet. Comedy show, but no dinner & drinks after. I passed because I didn't want to a) be tempted by other people's food & drink b) spend $ eating something that I might regret because it doesn't comply with my caloric intake. I didn't think of it as being extra committed. To me, that's just getting it done.

3) I'm getting stronger, which is a nice feeling. On Sunday I repeated a workout, and what was hard/almost impossible for me last time I did that rep scheme was much easier, and I will increase my weights on the next go-round.

4) Someone who hasn't seen me in a little bit called me tiny. :) I still don't think of myself as tiny, but I'll take it! A friend who sees me regularly also tells me I'm tiny, so maybe there's some truth to it. ;)

Seeing Is Believing

2007-11-30T09:10:00.000-05:00

This week has been slightly tougher on my Get Shredded. The scale has not been moving like it did last week, and it makes it harder to be enthusiastic about this program. My first week, I dropped 1-2 pounds, sometimes more, sometimes less, daily. It slowed down, and I know it's normal, having looked at other people's blogs about their progress. I have said that if the scale stays the same, but my body composition changes, I would be happy. And I mean that, really I do. But I'm realizing that's easier said than done. Measurements weekly or bi-weekly are not as exciting or motivating as daily ever-decreasing weigh-ins. So much of this whole weight-loss thing is (as I think Marcol said) mind over matter. Knowing that something is working even when you can't see the results is not an easy thing to do.

Last night was a parent night at my school. There was pizza, soda, juice, cookies, the whole 9, and I couldn't have any of it. I felt so left out! It was actually surprising to me that I felt that way, but I was bored & hungry (bad combo!), and I think that's why. I have a couple of other events this month, so I will have to take some preventive measures. The good thing is that I know I wouldn't slip and eat a cookie, or a piece of pizza. That's not a slip to me, in this kind of situation. But it is challenging. I did end up eating a couple of yummy meatballs and a few bangin chicken wings, so I felt better. :)

Getting The Hang of It

2007-11-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

Today I realized that I'm getting into the swing of this diet. At first I felt that I was really limited in what I could eat. But I'm starting to realize that I can eat more than I expected. See, I have a fear of getting sick of food. I am concerned that in 6 weeks I will be so sick of eating according to plan that I will fall off the wagon or just dread mealtimes. So I'm glad that I'm figuring out that there is more food available to me, I just have to combine it with the right food and eat it in the right portion. Piece of cake! ;)

Today I squatted 160 lbs... for those of you who have been paying attention, that's more than my current body weight! Yay! That makes me feel pretty strong. And my Thanksgiving weight is almost down - I'm 1 lb away from where I was on Thanksgiving morning, so I will have pretty much the entire 14 days in front of me to lose some new pounds.

It's hard to believe, but the 1st semester of grad school is almost over. The next 4 weeks are chock full of papers, presentations, reading, and exams. It's gonna be a lot of work, but then I will have 3 weeks off to catch up on my sleep. I've definitely gotten some good sleep over the past few days, and it was delicious. Happy Monday everybody!

The Home Stretch

2007-11-25T00:06:00.001-05:00

Something has happened to me recently. I don't know exactly when, but I have gotten to the next phase of my fitness journey. The thing I enjoy about this transformation is that it's ever evolving. Phase I was lose a bunch of weight. Check. Phase II is sculpt - take the body that has appeared after 45 pounds, and shape it into what I want it to look like. Now, I look in the mirror and think 'ok, I can stay at this size, just with different composition'. That's quite a different place from where I was, even a month or two ago. I am still trying to lose 15 lbs, but I am open to the possibility that I may stay at this weight and lose body fat and build lean muscle. I actually have a plan that will take me pretty darn close to my 30th birthday, which is both exciting and intimidating. I have learned that I have what it takes to stick to a difficult plan, but losing weight has become a way of life over the past year. To think that it's almost over! OK, I have almost 4 months to go, but considering that I've gone through 14 months already, 4 is nothing. It's the homestretch people... But the body is not the end of the road, it's just a (very important) milestone along the way. I'm already looking for a half-marathon to run this spring, and who knows, maybe there's a triathlon in my future...

Strange Sightings

2007-11-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

The gym was more crowded than I expected this morning. It was also more amusing. Among the strange things I saw...

1) a girl running on the treadmill at a high speed, holding on to the railing for dear life. why bother? just slow down...
2) a woman riding the bike talking on the phone... why?! you aren't working hard enough if you are smiling on the phone while exercising.
3) this guy in the weight room grunting like... well, just grunting very loudly. on every single exercise. ok, we know you're working hard, but can you contain it just a bit? this same man offered to spot me on my bench press. thanks, but no thanks.

I enjoyed my food today. Dinner was great. I only ate one serving, but I wasn't prepared to be hungry for actual food after my meal. But I had plenty to drink! I am notorious for my desire for drink. My family used to tell me that when I was little I would stand at the fridge and say 'TD!' when I wanted something to drink. There was also an accompanying hand motion. I still would rather drink my calories than eat them sometimes. Not good. But tasty. ;)

Tomorrow is back on the saddle. I lost a total of 8.6 lbs between last Tuesday and today. That number might be a little off, because TOM threw a monkey wrench into my weight loss this week. Hopefully the weight will balance itself out over the next 16 or so days. I was hoping for 9, so I came close. The majority of that was re-lost weight, but I am still pleased overall with my results. I am hoping that the next 6 weeks or so will produce the flat stomach that has eluded me for, um, pretty much my whole life. I have gotten somewhat tired of some of the food I've been eating (it's a bit repetitive), so I have to brainstorm some eats for the next cycle at least. I'm open to suggestions.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving, hopefully at least some of it spent with loved ones.

Whew!

2007-11-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

1) Tomorrow is my refeed. I am SOOO looking forward to eating a regular meal and having a few drinks. I have to pace myself though. I plan to continue this diet for another 7 weeks or so, with refeeds every 14 days, so I don't have to eat every single thing I want tomorrow.

2) I am experimenting right now. The phase of weightlifting that I'm in is about building muscle, and I am not supposed to do cardio for the duration (8 weeks). That is a mental challenge for me, because I don't like the idea of losing any cardio capacity. I've worked hard for it! But, I talked through it with a friend, and I remember something someone said before 'if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done'. Enough said. I am going to take measurements, pictures, and of course, keep track of my weight. If in 1 month I'm not seeing remarkable results, I'll throw cardio back in.

3) I haven't been this sore in a while. My workouts this week have been challenging. On Sunday, I did 5 sets/5 reps for upperbody. Shoulder press, close-grip bench press, high pull, cable pulley row, lat pulldown, and dumbbell bench press. Fun. Tuesday I did 4 sets/10 reps for lower body. Squats, deadlifts, split squats and step-ups. It was interesting to do split squats with 2 27.5-lb dumbbells. I remember when I did them with 2 10-lb dumbbells and my legs were on fire. What a difference 7 months makes.

In other business... my first Thanksgiving 'alone' was 8 years ago. My roommate was hosting Thanksgiving, so her family was everywhere. Mine was in another state. I didn't realize how much it would hurt until that day, when I called my family in tears. They promised that it would never happen again. After that, Thanksgiving lost its appeal. It became a 'whatever' day for years. Perhaps that was to prepare me for the years ahead when my separation from my family would be under much different, far more painful circumstances. But I have had many happy Thanksgivings since then, and I'm grateful that I've realized that sometimes family is what you make it, not what you're born into. Thankfully, I have good friends who have opened their hearts & homes to me. Thankfully, I have a brother who means the world to me. I certainly don't have everything I want, and sometimes don't even have what I need. But either way, I have much to be thankful for. We all do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I Made It!

2007-11-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

I made it through my 1st get shredded weekend. You know how they say kids need structure? I think I do too. Although I definitely missed my orange soda, pizza, dessert, and last but not least... my Malibu & coke! Nevertheless, there was an odd comfort in the routine of pre-determined, properly timed meals. I could get used to it. Maybe.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. Because of the way my schedule is, all I have this week is 2 days of my placement. YAY! I really want to take full advantage of my days off not only to do homework with less pressure and get ahead on a couple of hefty papers, but to make a plan. My placement is very taxing - I counsel a few kids in an inner-city school. Stressful, fast-paced and demanding. Then, of course, there's 4 classes, and the material I read is also pretty heavy stuff. Not to mention life - a recent break-up, struggling to find myself spiritually, healing from a divorce from my family (irreconcilable differences, at least for now), being broke... And to top all that off, I just don't make myself a priority in a lot of ways. I'm thinking about getting a yin-yang tattoo to remind myself forever of the need & quest for balance in my life. I say all this, not to say that my life is bad, cuz it's not. I have so much to be grateful for. But it's a lot, and I need a plan to make sure I don't allow myself to get overwhelmed and burn out. I'm too young for that.

What do you for self-care?

50%

2007-11-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

My weekend is pretty much halfway over. Today wasn't too bad actually. Probably my most non-productive Saturday since school started. It actually felt kinda nice. I got a massage this afternoon, which was great, even though I'm actually a bit sore. But I feel better.

Tomorrow will be my first day at the gym in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it, although I have enjoyed the extra couple of hours of sleep I've gotten this week. Once I start this program (hypertrophy), no time off for 8 or so weeks. But that's cool. The program will be interesting. The number of sets/reps changes every workout. I guess it's supposed to build muscle. Hopefully, the combination of exercise and diet will help get me a few steps closer to the defined body that I am striving for.

Someone told me that I need to give 'self-care' the same level of priority that I give working out. Hmmm... I know I don't get enough sleep. Somewhere in the back of my mind is this idea that I can do with less. So I may plan to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep, and then end up getting 6 or so because I know that I will be ok with 6 hours. I certainly don't give sleep the priority I should. I don't relax enough, I'm too hard on myself, and I'm sure the list goes on. Bottom line: I need to take better care of myself.

The Rubber & The Road

2007-11-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

I've been doing just fine in my quest to get shredded. I started on Tuesday, and I have dropped 5 lbs since then. Now, to be fully balanced, I started this quest about 7 lbs up from my lowest recent weigh-in as a result of my lax eating lately. So the 5 lbs that I have lost as of this morning is really re-lost weight. But it's dropped pretty fast, which is cool. Anyway, part of the challenge of this diet is that it eliminates my weekly cheating with a refeed every 14 days. I'm sure that I will appreciate the progress that this allows me to make over the next 6 weeks or so. But... I love my weekends! Monday thru Friday is the grind - most of my days are at least 12 hours of nonstop activity, between class, work, and/or homework. So, Friday through Sunday is a nice break. Have a few drinks, go out to eat, let go of the regimented eating. Relax, basically. So, not doing that, beginning with tonight, isn't just a challenge to my willpower, it's a challenge to my routine. It might be good - force me to find other ways to relax besides food & drink. Since I am making efforts to be better at 'self-care', this actually might help me along that journey. But the next few days is where the rubber meets the road. Wish me luck!

Day 1

2007-11-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day of 'Get Shredded'. It wasn't so bad actually. Lots of water, lots of fish oil, veggies and protein. Yum. Making the decision to follow this diet, for however long I choose, reminds me of what weight loss is all about. Choices. Sacrifice. Decisions. Do I love my egg nog, orange Sunkist, and cheat days? Yep. But you know what, I want to lose weight. And I haven't lost 45 pounds to give up now. Or even to slack, or take the easy way. I guess I just have a problem with claiming that I want something, but then not being willing to execute the accompanying, necessary action. I want it, so I'm gonna go get it. Maybe I will lost this 15 lbs by December 31, 2007, maybe I won't. But I'm damn sure going to try.

On another, less soapboxy note, I wore a skirt today, my first size 8 in a long time. And you know what? I had room! It didn't fit like it did when I first bought it, and although I'm not close to a size 6 yet, it was nice to have room in an 8. Although my friend did tell me that I look like a 6 the other day. That's why I pay her the big bucks. ;)

I've Been Tagged...

2007-11-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

So, Camille tagged me and I have to say seven random/weird things about myself and tag 7 other people. Here goes...

1. I never ate sandwiches for lunch as a kid. My mom packed me a thermos with ravioli and hot dogs and stuff. I think sandwiches on regular, untoasted bread have a nasty texture. Yuck.
2. One of my nicknames is Beck. My Aunt Rish and Pop, two of my favorite people, both of whom are not here anymore, always called me that.
3. When I was in the 10th grade, I lost 30 lbs without even knowing it.
4. I love Al Pacino.
5. I'm a big sucker for a pretty smile.
6. I cried when I took my cat to the vet to get neutered.
7. It took me and my first real boyfriend about 4 years to break up, after a 4 year relationship.

I'm tagging these people: swanky, Kristen, Melissa, Beck, Tea

From Here to Thanksgiving

2007-11-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

I spent a lot of time this weekend planning and preparing for my new diet. As some of you know, I usually eat a strict low to no carb, high protein diet during the week, and much more relaxed on the weekends. Lately I have not been as strict (hence, no weight loss), in part to prepare myself for this phase. This diet is a high fat (50%), low carb, high protein diet. It requires a cut in my caloric intake, and a lot of supplements, mainly fish oil. I'm not a fan of fish oil - it hurts my belly. But a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do, right? The real kicker, though, is that I have to eat the same way on the weekends, and I have a re-feed every 14 days. Thanksgiving will be my first re-feed, and then right back on the wagon for another 14 days. If I see decent results, I will follow this through to the end of the year. There was a time when I wouldn't have done something like this, but I guess I've grown.

Uh Oh...

2007-11-11T23:26:00.000-05:00

So, I was in the supermarket yesterday, and I happened upon... egg nog! Oh no! I love egg nog. Especially vanilla egg nog by Hood. Yummy. I am going to have to exercise some willpower this season. Did I mention that I love egg nog? Just checking...

This week is a week off weight lifting for me. Cardio only. I am also supposed to start a new diet, which I am hoping to ride into 2008, 15 lbs lighter. We'll see. On the one hand, I'm excited to see how effective it is. On the other hand, it's a little intimidating, because it requires quite a bit of detailed calculation, which just is not my thing. At all. Thankfully I've had help with that. It is going to mean a lot of meal repetition, no flexibility, no eating out, but I really just need to go ahead and suck it up. I have learned that I have the capacity to do what it takes to get it done, and I'm proud of that. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it. But... I will like the results, and that's what matters.

I saw a friend this weekend that I haven't seen in a while. Seeing her, in part because she's so complimentary and encouraging, reminded me of what I've accomplished over the past year. Not only have I lost the 40 lbs that I gained during a hellish time in my life, I've gone beyond that. And it's not over yet.

Of course, there are also other things I've accomplished and am accomplishing, like school, which is really something like a dream come true for me. But anyway, seeing her motivated me in some weird way to go ahead and finish this thing out. Rock it out, bang it out, get it done, whatever you want to call it. I'm proud of what I've done, but I still have 15 lbs to go, and I'm really ready to take it all off.

Nothing Much to Say...

2007-11-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

Well... it's been a while. My eating has been less than stellar as of late. I think this happens to me when I have decided in some way to crack down, or start some new diet regimen that's more restrictive than what I'm used to. I say 'well, I'm about to do [fill in the blank with fun diet plan here], so I can afford to relax a little bit'. I've done it a couple of times during this journey. Perhaps had I not, I'd be finished with my 60 lbs instead of gearing up for the last 15 lbs. Oh well... however long it takes me to get rid of it, I don't expect that I will ever, ever, have to take it off again. But at some point, I really have to buckle down if I'm serious about the body that I want to have by my 30th birthday.

On another note, it's almost time for me to increase my weight. That's a good feeling. The same workout that kicked my ass (hard) two weeks ago is still challenging, but not to the same extent.

Funny story: I went to get water jugs with my co-workers. The janitor told one of them, who's extremely thin, that she can't lift it cuz she's too skinny. He looked at me and said 'I know you can do it. You're healthy and strong'. That's what I'm talking about... ;)

TGIHRS

2007-10-29T22:35:00.000-05:00

It was so cold this morning, all I could think was 'thank God I have a remote starter!' (TGIHRS). I knew it was going to be cold, so I bundled up for my run. Or so I thought. Almost as soon as I set foot outside, I had to invoke the goddess of Colorado (Tea), and remember the runs she's talked about, facing brutal wind & cold. It worked. Kinda. I was so miserable, I felt like my face was gonna freeze off, not to mention my fingers. Everything else was ok. I thought I was running really slowly, but it turns out that my time was pretty much on target for my tempo run. That's pretty good. I made it, which is really the most important issue.

It's past my bedtime, but I just had to vent about my miserable run. I was hoping to hold off on moving my tempo run inside, to the treadmill, because I find running for an hour on the treadmill extremely boring. Particularly early in the morning, when TV is not very distracting. But after today... the treadmill is looking better & better!

Kick Ass

2007-10-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

The geniuses who came up with Fat Loss III in New Rules of Lifting... I don't like them today. For whatever reason, my workout really, really kicked my ass. I think it's the combo of 4 sets of 10 superset exercises (front squat, step-up, underhand lat pulldown and push-press), followed by 2 sets of 20 (regular squat, wide-grip pulldown, step-ups, and military press). Man, that last set of exercises is exhausting. Walking out of the gym I still felt like I just needed to siddown somewhere. After that workout, I tried to do an unassisted pull-up, and guess what? I did one! Woo hoo! I think if I had done it at the beginning rather than the end it would have been easier, but it was still fulfilling nonetheless. Thanks to my workout buddy for pushing me to do it!

This whole weight loss thing is interesting. Last week my weight didn't go down as fast as it normally does. I felt a little discouraged, and then one morning I got on the scale and was down 3 pounds. It just reminded me to keep doing the right thing (reminds me of many of Rob's blogs), because you never know when you're gonna get a breakthrough of sorts. I'd rather my weight not budge and I have to wonder why, than know why - cuz I ate a bunch of sh*t. However, I am going to start a new diet in a couple of weeks to try to get rid of this last 15 lbs by the end of the year. Then, between January 1 and March 29, it's gonna be all about taking it to the next level and focusing on getting the definition that I want. Although my weight is not behaving like I want it to, I still lost 1/2 inch from my thighs and 1/2" from my waist in a week. The same week that I gained weight. I'll take it!

Self Care

2007-10-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful thing.

Tonight after work I went out for self-care with some of my co-workers. Working with a bunch of teenagers all week is draining. Combining that with a full load of classes, the gym, and a part-time job is exhausting. We needed some self-care. I indulged, not overly so, but still. It was nice to relax. I'm hoping that,now that midterms are over, I can have a little bit of down time this weekend. I actually skipped my workout this morning and tomorrow morning because I feel like I'm about to come down with a little somethin' somethin', and I don't have time for that. So I took some preventive measures, in the form of sleep, and I'm feeling a bit better. That pre-sore throat/headache feeling was a red flag, because I was just sick a month ago, and I don't usually get sick that often. It seems as though I'm learning to be more attuned to my body's needs, and less concerned about performance and more concerned about quality. Like, so what if I can say I got up at 5:00 am to work out when I have bags under my eyes? Who cares if I lost 2 lbs this week if I'm sick for a week? So hopefully this decision will pay off, and I can resume my regularly scheduled programming on Sunday. Looking forward to that, but also looking forward to the extra 1 1/2 hours of sleep that I will get tomorrow morning. Hopefully.

Quick - I Have 5 Minutes!

2007-10-23T18:25:00.001-05:00

I am on a 5-minute break from the midterm grind, so I figured I'd go ahead and post. Today was one of those days when I did not feel like going to the gym. A friend of mine says that she never knew I didn't feel like doing stuff, like work out. Now, I do love working out, but the truth is that, particularly lately, the times that I feel like going are far outweighed by the times I don't. But I go, and I'm happy when I'm done. Actually, that's part of the fun. (3 minutes).

Today I did split squats (God love 'em) with 20-lb dumbbells. I was thinking to myself 'i remember when using 10-lb dumbbells wa excruciating.' Now look at me! It's cool to see definition in new places, and even more importantly, to just feel and be stronger, physically and mentally.

Truthfully, my eating is not going so well right now. I don't know why, but I've veered off of my 'no carbs during the week' rule. Nothing crazy, just some cheese & crackers, a couple of Mike's drinks. Maybe it's the midterm pressure, maybe it's PMS. I don't know. I can do better, I'm choosing not to for some reason. But whatever consequences come as a result, I will have to take them like a woman and get back in the saddle. (Time's up).

A New Story

2007-10-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

So, now that I have the time to really blog, I don't know what to say. But anybody who knows me knows I will find something to talk about.

I'm actually feeling pretty good about my fitness regimen these days. The first couple of days lifting weights based on my 1RP test were NO JOKE. The way my workout is set up, I do 4 sets of 10 reps for 4 exercises, with 60 seconds of rest after each complete circuit, and then 2 sets of 20 reps for 4 exercises. After doing 40 push presses with 25 lbs, trying to do 20 military presses with 25 lbs - forget it! But it's a good feeling to leave the gym completely spent. So I lift weights 3x/week, with cardio interval training on those days, and I do a long run on Mondays (7 miles this week - woo hoo!), and speedwork on Fridays. That was big fun this week - up at 5:30 am for an hour-long interval run. Hopefully in a month or so, you will see on my little run log that my speed has picked up, which is what I'm working my ass off for. Oh, and I mean that literally - jeans that I bought at the end of the summer and were a bit too tight are now sagging in the butt. Although I appreciate that it means I've lost weight, I can't say that I like to look in the mirror and see a saggy butt. Oh well...

Losing weight has taught me a lot about myself. It has definitely helped me to tell a different story about myself. Whereas a year ago I was afraid to start to try to lose weight because I thought I would fail, now I have lost 45 pounds. I can look at myself as a disciplined person who finishes what she starts and has the commitment required to take on big projects and succeed. It's too bad that many people never give themselves the opportunity to tell a new story because they never even challenge themselves to push beyond their comfort zone. To everybody reading this blog, whether you have lost 1 pound or 100 lbs, pat yourself on the back for rewriting your story. You deserve it!

(See, I told you I'd come up with something)

Tempo

2007-10-15T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today I did a tempo run. I walk/jogged 1 mile, ran 3 miles, and then jog/walked 1 mile. I had a goal pace for the middle 3 miles, so it forced me to work harder to try to make sure I hit the goal. I did. I actually ran faster than I was supposed to. It was a strange experience though, forcing myself to jog really slow. The whole pacing myself thing? No, not my strong suit. But I did it, and the point is to get faster. While I was jogging, I wondered what someone would think if they saw me. And then I thought - you never know where someone is in their journey. Looking from the outside is just such an insufficient way to judge someone, cuz you don't know where they've been or what they're working on. Me? I'm working on getting faster. Strangely, to get faster, I guess I have to train myself to go slower sometimes. Funny how that works.

I was thinking today that I work hard. Right now, I have a lot of work to do. My internship, where I spend 24 hours/week, is hectic and tiring. I am very focused on my school work, and it consumes the vast majority of my weekend. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel isolated & sad. There is a time when I wouldn't have admitted my fatigue to myself, out of fear that the admission would paralyze me. Now, I can say 'I'm tired, I don't feel like [fill in the blank - running, reading, writing this paper, getting out of bed]', and do it anyway. And you know what? I'm realizing that it's actually a better feeling to push myself to do what I don't feel like doing, than to be in denial about how I feel. Just trying to keep it real I guess.

Strong Enough for A Woman

2007-10-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today was my long-awaited 1RM test. It was fun. OK, not really, but it was interesting. I found out that I'm stronger than I knew, and I've been underlifting. I found out that I can bench press 105 lbs once, squat 190 lbs once, deadlift 165 lbs once, and do an 80 lb military press once. I never would have dreamed of doing a 70-lb military press, but I actually did 10 reps today. My bench press weight is in the 90th percentile for my weight & age, which is pretty cool.

I actually went through a phase a couple of years ago where I deliberately underlifted because I didn't want to get bigger. No more. Now, it's go heavy or go home. The only downfall to this knowledge is that it will force me to challenge myself at a higher level. Who am I kidding - I live for the challenge!

Compliment time - someone that hasn't seen me in a month or so called me skinny and said I'm disappearing. That's a nice one, not only because, um, well, that's the goal, but because I really haven't lost much scale weight - about 1 lb/week, so for it to be noticeable like that is also exciting.

As always, thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. It's really nice to have a forum that provides a little ego boost every now & then. We all need it, and you can't get it everywhere. I work really hard to lose weight, stay fit and excel in school, and it helps keep me going to get the positive reinforcement through the people that read my blog. Thanks!

Back in Business

2007-10-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well, my home Internet is back up, thank God. Man, the Internet is a bootiful thing! :)

This week has been somewhat interesting. I hit the gym the morning after my race, with a nice weight training session. I did 4 sets of 10 reps - deadlift, bench press, split squat and explosive push ups. Little rest - 60 seconds after each set of 4, if that makes sense. Then 2 sets of 20 - cable row, walking lunge, deadlift off box, and something that I can't remember. Then hanging leg raises - 2 sets of 10. It was good - I felt good, although I underlifted. But this weekend I'm supposed to do a 1 rep max test, so that will end. No more underlifting for me!But, as my brother said, perhaps getting up the next morning and hitting the weights was not the brightest thing I could have done. I figured, hey, it's just 1 extra mile over what I've been doing - no big deal. But something went wrong, because I have been very tired this week. So I skipped the gym today, and will not go tomorrow, but Sunday I'll be back in the saddle. Sitting at the library on Tuesday, I did NOT feel like doing my reading cuz I was so tired. Of course, I did it anyway, but it was a bad feeling, and I know it's because I was overtired. I definitely believe that pushing through the stuff that you don't feel like doing is a key element of success, but I have to be careful to not set myself up for too much pushing. Maybe it was the extra mile on Monday, maybe it was a lack of real rest over the weekend. I dunno, but I'm trying to let it go so that I can start to build myself.

A young lady at my internship was sad that she is fat. I told her that I lost 43 lbs, and she said 'you used to be big?' with surprise. I don't know how far it can/will go, but perhaps my recent weight loss can help her make some moves so that she can be happier with her body. We'll see...

The weight hasn't been budging this week, but I swear clothes that I bought 2 or 3 weeks ago fit differently. More of a difference than I would expect for 3 lbs. I'm not sure exactly what to make of that. I know that, because of my schedule, and my comfort level with portions and such, I have not been tracking my calories or being as diligent with my measurement of food. so I plan to recalculate my calories for my new weight, and figure out what I can eat that will fit those guidelines so that I don't have to input them every day. We'll see how that works.

On another note - I got my first two assignments back - a B+ and an A-. Woo hoo!

Under My Belt

2007-10-08T17:27:00.001-05:00

Well, my first 10K is officially behind me. It was a totally new experience for me, and I loved it! My time wasn't bad - 6.2 miles in 1:06, which is a pace of 10:42. I felt really good, no cramps or anything. There was such a wide variety of women out there - all different shapes, sizes, athletic abilities, which made it really inspiring & humbling.

For me, running this 10K was kind of about being an individual, and recreating my life according to my own standards and desires. I have spent years doing what others wanted me to do, or thought I should do. Even though I did have someone out there cheering me on (you know who you are - thanks!), and other women out there running with me, I was on my own. I trained on my own, and I completed it on my own. And that's ok. I did this because I wanted to do it. I've talked about it for months, and today I moved past talking and did it. That makes me proud. I don't want to be one of those people who talks about hopes, dreams, aspirations, and doesn't do a damn thing to bring them to fruition. Nah, I wanna be one of those people who's always working on something, constantly challenging myself and my abilities.

So now, on the next phase. I want to get faster, but I also want to get stronger, so I am going to refocus on my strength training. Thankfully, I haven't lost any strength over the past 8 weeks, but I also haven't gotten much stronger. That's about to change though, because tomorrow morning it's up at 6 to hit the weights!

Last but not least, thanks to everyone who has encouraged & supported this endeavor of mine. It has come in many different forms, and I'm certainly grateful for every last bit of it. Yay you!

I Did It!

2007-10-05T09:55:00.000-05:00

Today was the last official day of training for my 10K. The next two days are rest days, and the race is on Monday. I'm excited but a bit nervous too. Thanks to everyone for all your encouragement, I will let you know how it goes! Starting school, I was a bit concerned (as were others who know me well) that the training would be a bit much - too many early mornings, not enough sleep. But I did it! I was prepared to adjust my training schedule if it got to be too much, but I didn't feel the need to. And although there were some days that I didn't run the prescribed number of miles because of time constraints, and two days I skipped because I wasn't feeling well, I did what I was supposed to do every single day. So... I'm so proud of me. ;)

This 10K will be a totally new experience for me. I have been, for the most part, a solitary exerciser. That's cool, it works for me, although I have had a training partner, which has also been good. It will be interesting to find out how running in the company of about 7,000 women affects me. Who knows, I might have my fastest time ever!

This has been a busy week for me, I guess the real work (papers) is starting to kick in. Good times. I also have not had consistent Internet access at home, which is a definite boo. Thanks to those of you who came looking for me! It made me feel special. :)

Last, I almost busted my ass during my run on Monday (during which, unbeknownst to me, I was spotted by a classmate and a friend. Weird!). My favorite sweatpants are about 8 years old. And they look it - they have holes & runs in them, but I love them. Unfortunately, they also have a split in the bottom, due to the combination of being short and wearing them in all kinds of weather. Not a good combo for a run. My foot got caught in it, not once, but twice! I thought to myself 'I hope nobody saw that'. Lesson: never wear 8 year old sweatpants that have a big rip in the bottom when you are trying to run 5 miles.

It's Official

2007-09-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm running a 10K. Even though I've been training for the Tufts 10K, I haven't registered. Until tonight. So, that makes it no longer just an idea, it's for real people! This is my last week of training for it, which is great, because I'm looking forward to hitting the weights an extra day of the week, and being able to have more flexibility with my workout schedule. I've been doing early morning workouts every day, which gives me one 14-hour day/week, and some other fairly long days. I will still do the morning workouts, but I will be able to choose the days so that it allows me to get a bit more sleep. Sleep is good.

I had a good run Wednesday morning - my time has improved since I started. I also had a kick-ass workout Friday, which I'm proud of because I postponed it from morning to afternoon and then almost skipped it. Those 50-lb push presses are killer, not to mention the 50-lb lunges and then floor wipers. Then a 2-mile run after. Fun fun fun!

I work with a woman who works out regularly. But you really can't tell. I don't want to be one of those people, who works out all the time but has very little bodily evidence, so to speak. I mean, I like to work out cuz it makes me feel good, but I don't want to put all the work in and then not look like it at all.

5 Miles

2007-09-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

My 5 miler was good. I'm proud - I feel like 5 is a nice number to be able to run. Of course, I haven't even run my 10K yet, but I'm thinking about a half marathon. The good thing is that my pace was pretty good, a little faster than it has been previously, but my heart rate was lower, which I think means it was easier for me to run faster. So that makes me feel good. Speaking of feeling good, thanks for all the encouragement and positive comments on yesterday's blog. :)

I ate potato chips today. Bad girl. I was sleepy and trying to make it through an orientation meeting, and I caved in to the Lay's. Betcha can't eat just one! The good thing is that I put a handful on my plate, and resisted the temptation to get some more. I don't even really like chips! But still, it was a bad decision. :(

This is How We Do It...

2007-09-23T21:22:00.001-05:00

This is a picture of the majority of my food consumption for the week - 3 different kinds of meats being marinated (salmon, pork loin and chicken), carrots, sugar snap peas, salad, tuna salad, 3 days worth of BCAAs, 10 servings of protein powder, and hummus. Tuesday I'll cook meat for the remainder of the week. Although my weight loss for the week was a wee bit disappointing, I know that had I not invested this time over the past 3 weeks, I would have gained weight, or at least stayed the same. It's not fun, but it's worth it. Although I only lost .4 lbs this week, I lost 1 inch off my hips. Yay! Oh, but at least my partner the Swankmeister held it down with 3 pounds - go swanky!

Tomorrow is my first ever 5 mile run. Woo hoo! I mapped my route, and I'm on my way to bed so I can get up bright & early and get it done. Wish me... something. :)

As I mentioned, my weight loss was minimal this week, but I'm making a couple of changes this week, and we'll see how it goes. I've been eating a carby breakfast in honor of my morning runs. Not this week. Umm... that's the only change. Here goes another week in the life of Rebecca!

Weird, I Know

2007-09-20T22:34:00.000-05:00

I'm so proud of me. I skipped the gym today, and I'm skipping tomorrow too. For most people that would not be a source of pride, but it is for me. My challenge in life is often doing too much, pushing my body too hard. But last night I didn't feel so well, and rather than pushing myself, I took the morning off from my work out, and I feel so much better today! I decided that I needed the sleep more than I needed the cardio. So Sunday I will get back on it, but I'm proud that I was able to make that decision for myself, and do what is good for me. Yay!

Just Had to Say

2007-09-18T21:00:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to say that I worked my ass off today. I did 3 sets 15 of floor wipers holding a 50-lb barbell, lunges with a 50-lb barbell, and push/presses with a 50 lb barbell. Whoa. Nice way to start my day. :)

Just One of Them Days

2007-09-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those 'awe, man, it's time to get up already?!' days. I babysat twice this weekend, didn't get in the bed until about 1:00 am, and was supposed to get up at 6:30 to run 4.5 miles. When my alarm went off, I debated. I was all set to sleep for another hour, but at the last minute, I decided to just get up and run. Because I lingered in the bed, my run was cut short by 1 mile, but better that than nothing, right? Right.

Another Week...

2007-09-16T21:18:00.000-05:00

I remember years ago, when I was young & foolish, my older, wiser brother said to me: 'perspective is reality'. I disagreed with him then, but I have come to realize that he is right. Since today is his birthday, I just might tell him that.

Whatever perspective a person has shapes everything: their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions, attitude. Sometimes a simple perspective change (or paradigm shift, as Steven Covey calls it) can radically alter someone's life. I mean, we have all experienced the pain of trying to help someone change something that we clearly see is bad for them. But until they see it for themselves, our efforts will be futile.

I guess for me, the bottom line is that my perspective on the various aspects of my life: school, weight loss, relationships, dictates how I handle them. School is my number 1 priority. I have been feeling a tad bit overwhelmed by the amount of reading that I have to do, but I realized that I need to be reminding myself that I am capable of handling all of it, and that I am privileged to be in school, and grateful to be learning about what I love. When I take on that perspective, it's easier and less daunting.

Weight loss is also a top priority and my perspective on it is that it's not an option - gotta do what I gotta do to get it done, as quickly as possible. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not willing to starve myself or take any other drastic measures, but within reason, I need to do what it takes to get it done. It's a sacrifice. I spend a lot of time planning meals, meal times, shopping lists, cooking, and preparing for my week so that I can eat well. But my perspective tells me that there is no alternative. There is an abundance of food opportunities around work & school, and if I am not prepared with my own food, I will indulge. Not a good idea for my pocket or my waistline. So... I spend the time to prepare & plan.

I've worked pretty hard pretty consistently for over a year. September 12 was my weight loss anniversary. 42 lbs later, I have learned a lot. I am a better, more confident person. Although I am not any happier necessarily, I am happier with myself, if that makes sense. I have lost 10 inches from my waist, about 5 from my hips, and 4 from my thighs. (I'm speaking from memory, so those aren't exact numbers). And I have a sense of accomplishment that no one can take from me. Cuz nobody did it for me. People helped me, and I'm SO grateful for it. It's not even about wearing a smaller size or looking better in my clothes (although I am NOT mad at those things!) It's about taking control of my life, putting my priorities in order, and doing what it takes, day after day, to get it done.

2007-09-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today I got a compliment - someone told me that I look really thin. Nice.

However, today was not a good eating day. I ate unnecessary carbs. And for the most part they were not even worth it. A month-old tortilla, for example. Yuck. (It wasn't mine - I was at work & didn't check the expiration date - a mistake I will never make again).

My run was nice. Although I was supposed to be born in Hawaii (God got confused I guess), I do have to say that I enjoy running in the brisk air very much. It's refreshing.

Well, off to bed & up at 6:30 (late) for a cardio session. Probably gonna hit the stairclimber - BIG fun!

Random Stuff

2007-09-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

1) Weight loss has returned me to the land of the Shirt Tuckers. Although I have a fairly healthy self-esteem (I know I'm cute, and I have been known to stop traffic a time or two, but I'm no Catherine Zeta-Jones), I don't often look in the mirror and smile at what I see. Today, in my new jeans and tucked-in shirt, I did.

2) Someone at the gym said to me today 'you must be a bodybuilder'. I'm not, and perhaps I should have been flattered, but... I wasn't.

3) The best-laid plans... you know the rest. I turned on my broiler yesterday, in accordance with my plan to cook my meat for the week (steak & pork loin, plus salmon for dinner). In the process, the pans that I store in the oven got really hot. How hot, you ask? So hot that I melted a dishcloth taking them out of the oven. There goes the baking sheet and the dishcloth. I didn't even know that was possible. I was tempted to go to Burger King, but instead I made myself an improvised protein shake, and actually drank it all (although I didn't enjoy it).

4) Hunger makes you do funny things. How badly did I want a lemon cookie today? How badly did I want to eat all the sweet things that are in my fridge? On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say it was a 7.5. I even wanted a Mike's lime, which is a weekday no-no. Not to mention the leftover, unopened package of M & M's. But, I sit tonight having consumed NONE of it. That's right, I resisted all temptations. But I know that my hunger, caused by a missed meal (couldn't be helped), made me crave some stuff I shouldn't eat. I ate some carrots instead. Yum.

And Another Thing

2007-09-09T21:07:00.001-05:00

I must have been really tired on Friday, because I realized later that I could have talked about my early morning workout and a couple of other things. Oh well. Today I got up very early and went to babysit for a couple who did a triathlon together. I really didn't feel like going to the gym for a 50:00 cardio session afterward, but I did. It wasn't the greatest - my heart rate didn't get up too high, in spite of my level and the burn in my legs. Dunno why - any of you bikers out there have any ideas?

This week adds another layer to this new phase of my life - my internship. Starts tomorrow. Looking forward to it with a mix of nervousness & excitement. I have no idea what I will have access to in terms of refrigeration, microwave, even water. This newbie feeling is a bit disconcerting sometimes - I have told a couple of friends that I feel like an 18-year old freshman. In & of itself, being 18 - not so bad. But the fresh meat part, I could do without. But it's part of the process, and I know that in a month or so I will be comfortable, or at least familiar.

I'm going to try a couple different things this week - pork loin, for one. Also, I'll be eating a fairly carb-y breakfast, so we'll see how, if at all, it affects my weight loss for the week. I was rather pleased with my 1.2 lbs last week, because I know that I was hanging off the back of the wagon last weekend. I ate a couple of donuts, drank a couple of coffees, and did a couple other bad-girl things. Of course, there's always that 'but what if I hadn't done...' thought. Interestingly enough, even though I was a little loose with myself this weekend, and I have ice cream in the freezer and dark chocolate covered caramels in the fridge, I didn't eat them. The other day I went looking for my lemon cookie, and the store didn't have it. I opted to not get a substitute and just forego the treat, thinking I would get it later, but I didn't. Could my sweet tooth be losing its grip?!

Friday...

2007-09-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

Is it me, or did the summer pass by really fast? Already, my first week of school is over. Thank God. I mean, truthfully, it wasn't that bad. Me and my giant cooler got it done. I can see myself getting bored with salads, so I will have to put in some work to make sure I have enough variety that I don't get bored. Boredom for me leads to cheating. If anybody has any suggestions on veggies & protein sources that travel well & are easy to cook, I'm open. The one thing I probably will have to be careful about is making sure I don't depend on sugary, caffeinated food to stay awake at the end of a very long day.

I'm not exactly sure how or why, but it seems like the scale is cooperating with me, in spite of my dietary infidelity last weekend. I'm not complaining though. I lost another inch off my waist this week, which is grrrrreat!

Maybe I should have tried this earlier in the day when my brain was actually functioning. Then I might have something interesting to say. But since I don't... happy weekend!

Me - Organized?

2007-09-05T22:40:00.000-05:00

So, today was my first day of class. Long day. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well last night, and I woke up this morning @ 5:30 with a killer stomach ache, due to insufficient food yesterday. I know this because at 5:30 am, when it was still a bit dark, I ate an apple and the stomach ache went away. So I went for my run and went about my day. Someone sitting next to me in one of my classes said I am so organized, cuz she was looking at my planner and wants me to plan her life too. Ha! If only she knew that, in spite of the fact that I had planned out every moment of my day, I had no idea where my classes were when I walked into the building. Oh well - can't have it all together I guess.

But my eating went well, except for the fact that I had to eat another meal when I came home because I was hungry and don't want to get up tomorrow morning with a bellyache again. Yuck.

I just want to say that when you really want something, you find a way to get it done. I have a big ole cooler that I carried around with me, with 3 meals in it, to make sure that I stay on my dietary track. It would be easy for me to use grad school as an excuse to fall off the wagon, but... not so much. But that's just cuz I want it. And I'll do what it takes to get it - no excuses.

Running Late

2007-09-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everybody for your comments, I'm so glad you care about my comments! I have lots of blog entries in my reader to catch up on, I dunno when that's gonna happen at this rate.
My plan for today was to pack 3 days worth of salads, veggies, cook some chicken (to put in my salad), BCAAs, protein powder, workout clothes, and whatever else I need for the week. It's done, although I need to get my behind in the bed, so I can get up tomorrow morning for a run, and make it through the rest of my day (6 hours worth of classes after a morning with a 22-month old) still awake. Big fun!
Today's workout was good:
Overhead Squat/Wide Grip Cable Row
Barbell Push Press/Hamstring Roll
Dynamic Lunge/Russian Twist
I did 3 sets of 15, with 60 seconds of rest between each superset. I felt that 'this is it' feeling - I've been trying to find the right number of sets & reps, and rest, and today I feel like I got it. It was a good feeling.

Not Much to Say

2007-09-03T23:39:00.001-05:00

I ran about 4.2 miles today. It was great, but tough. I had the brilliant idea to include hills. Great Rebecca. My eating has not been great, and I have not weighed myself since Thursday for personal reasons (not avoiding the scale, just haven't had access to one). But since I should be returning to a semblance of normalcy (albeit, a new normal) soon, I will be able to properly assess the damage.

FYI: I have not been able to comment on any blogs, or at least most blogs, for the past few days. The computer I have been using has forbidden it for whatever reason. I'm sure that nobody reall cares, but just in case someone missed my infinite wisdom's appearance on their blog, I'll be back!

On My Own

2007-09-02T19:33:00.000-05:00

You know, when it gets down to it, all you have is yourself. Before anyone gets all up in arms, let me say: I am a firm believer in community - family, friends, counselors, whoever. I have made it through very difficult times in my life because I have had a community of people on my side, and I'm grateful for all of them, even the ones that are no longer really a part of my life. However, when it comes down to it, even with a trainer or someone to push you, it's your own internal voice that keeps you going. It has to be you that silences the excuses and gets out there to get it done. Today I broke out my jumprope and did 40:00 of intervals on my jump rope. Was it the best workout? No. Do I wish I had access to a gym? Yup. But did I let that stop me? NO! I remember a couple of years ago coming to my Nana's house with a jumprope and using her stairs for exercise, cuz I was determined. Nobody can do that for me. When it comes down to it, I can have all the encouragement and support in the world, but they can't do it for me. They can, however, help me do it, and I thank God every day for that. Thanks to all of you who read my blog for your comments and encouragement - it is much appreciated. Here's to a good Labor Day and a great weight loss week!

Running is Like Life

2007-09-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

I had a nice run today, lots of hills and stuff. The funny thing is, while I'm running up the hill, my legs are burning, and I just want it to be over cuz I feel like I can't take it anymore. Then, I reach the top of the hill and coast down, and it feels so good! But the thing is, you can't coast if you don't push your way up the hill. And you better enjoy the coast while it lasts, because another hill is sure to come, quickly. And truthfully, you better enjoy the burn too, cuz the push through the burn, that's where the real growth happens. That's the lesson taught to me by today's run.

Not Going Fishing

2007-08-31T12:11:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm not gone fishin or anything, but I will probably not be as active on my blog as I have been, at least for the next couple of weeks. Between starting school and attempting to resolve a personal crisis as effectively, safely & quickly as possible, I'm stretched a little thin. You all understand. However, I have also resolved to NOT let this stop me, or even really give me pause along this journey of mine. My emotional wellbeing is my first priority, but the truth is that it's inextricably linked to my physical wellbeing so in order to keep one I have to work on them both simultaneously. I don't have all my normal resources at my disposal, so I'm doing the best I can in terms of eating, and of course, the good thing about running is you take it with you. :)

Actually, I'm having a bit of deja vu - I've been in similar situations, and they have caused me to gain weight. Not this time though. Me & swankywanker are the team to beat for September. Watch out Billy & Brian - your awesomeness may not be enough next month! ;)

Sucky Run

2007-08-29T21:18:00.000-05:00

I had a short run today - 2.68 miles according to mapmyrun. But it was hard! (Funny, I was just checking over my blog, and I never thought I would cnsider 2.68 miles to be a short run). I was expecting 'oh, 2.5 miles, that's pretty easy'. Not. I felt kind of sluggish and slow, my chest was hurting a bit. It was hot, and I went at 1:00 pm, a couple hours or so after a protein drink. I actually just calculated my pace, and it was better than I thought, but still not very good. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but at least I got it done! If anybody out there has any thoughts about what I can do differently, PLEASE share. I would love some advice from some of you experts. :)

I was concerned that, being off this week, I would overeat, out of boredom, availability, etc. I haven't. Yay! On the other hand, I also haven't eaten enough - protein or veggies. I suppose that if I had to choose, I would choose to undereat, since undereating will not make me gain weight. At least not in the short term.

Of course, I'm going from the frying pan to the fire, in a manner of speaking. Next week, my life will be turned upside down (or right side up, depending on how you look at it), and I will be faced with a whole new set of challenges when it comes to my eating & exercise routine. But, what has helped me to be successful thus far is my compulsion to plan & prepare. I have been thinking about it for months, and next week I don't intend to skip a beat. I'm willing to cut myself a bit of slack, but I expect to continue to lose weight. My new schedule will not be an excuse to stagnate. There will be things that will come up, unexpected events, which I can't plan for. But, perhaps tomorrow, I will sit down & think about my mealtimes, where I will be at those times (so I can know what my options are), and pretty much everything else that is essential to continuing to eat right. I can't wait to lose this last 20 lbs!

PS - Thanks to all my faithful commenters for your encouraging words. It means a lot!

Wow

2007-08-28T21:58:00.001-05:00

Today was a weight training day. The workout that I have been doing (from the New Rules of Lifting) is an ass-kicker. At least for me. Lots of compound movements - snatch-grip deadlift, T-push ups (yuck), and split squat with overhead press, to name a few. I'm still somewhat in the process of modifying to fit my 10K goals, but it's a tough workout regardless.

Since I'm starting school next week, I figured I'd buy myself a couple of new clothing items. I've been thinking a lot about my 'style', which, I think, took a hit when I gained weight. It became harder to feel 'cute', and I wore a lot of stuff that kind of hid my weight gain and was comfortable. Now that I have lost 40 lbs, and I'm getting ready to undergo a major change in my life, I want to start dressing better. Anyway, I tried on a cute jean skirt (size 10), and it was too big! I couldn't even believe it - I needed a size 8. My first size 8 of this weight loss journey. With 20 more pounds to lose, it makes me wonder what size I will end up at. Although I am more concerned about how I look in my clothes than what size they are, wearing a size 8 felt really good. This time last year I was firmly in a 16. I've come a long way!

Breakthrough

2007-08-27T21:58:00.000-05:00

Day 1 of vacation - I ran nearly 4 miles (as my mile tracker says) today. It was interesting, because, umm... it was hard! Toward the end of my run, I always feel like I could keep going. But somewhere in the middle, I want to stop. I made the mistake of including an uphill portion twice in my run. Fun! But when I was approaching mile 3, a voice in my head said 'if this is so hard, how do you think you will ever run a half-marathon?!' Thankfully, I recognized the voice for what it was - self-doubt. Because the answer to that is that I will work my way up to it, obviously, and I will be able to do it when it's time. But just like every other major task in life, it can't be done haphazardly or impulsively. And, it has be done step by step. That's hard for me - I don't like steps. And part of the steps includes discomfort. The truth is, that's kind of what we're all afraid of - the discomfort that comes from challenging the boundaries of our comfort zone. But overcoming that feeling of being one step away from stopping, not knowing if I'm gonna make it to the end of the workout - I LOVE that feeling of accomplishment! Truth be told, that's why I want to do stuff like run races, so I can get the rush that comes from knowing that I pushed myself beyond what felt comfortable to me.

I was watching Dr 90210 tonight, and this lady got a tummy tuck. I mean, I'm not mad at her, she looked good. But what happened to good ole fashioned weight loss?! Our society is so committed to quick fixes and shortcuts, we miss the character building that comes from actually going through a process to bring something to pass. I mean, I have experienced some very un-fun things in my life, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't trade them, because they have helped make me who I am.

My eating wasn't great today. I made a really good banana bread this weekend, and I had some today. Without a schedule, it was harder to stay on top of my meal times, so even though I ate banana bread and whole wheat pasta (1/2 serving) for dinner, I am probably still under my calories. I was tempted to drink a Mike's too, to top off my day, but I resisted that sugar trap. Gotta take off that weekend weight. Tomorrow's a new day!

Vacation

2007-08-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

Well, the weekend is almost over, but I am on vacation this week! Woo hoo! That might make eating on point a bit more challenging, but that's ok, I am up for it. I am still going to make exercise the first item on my daily agenda, just for simplicity's sake.

I learned something this weekend. Well, had it reinforced. It is so important to eat regularly, and not to let myself get too hungry. During the week, I eat every 2-3 hours usually, so although I get hungry, it doesn't last long. This weekend, though, I had a couple of times where I let myself get too hungry, and as a result I ate too much and had that ugh feeling of being stuffed, which I really very rarely experience, thankfully.

I had my orientation today, which means that the summer is swiftly coming to a close. I have been thinking about it for a while, but next week I will really have to have a solid plan for good healthy eating and exercise, and, last but not least, sleep! I usually get in the bed around 11:30/12, but that's not gonna fly anymore. So I plan to enjoy this week of sleeping in, thinking, planning, reflecting. I actually am planning to go through my closet this week and get rid of all the clothes that are too big. That will be fun!

Friday!!

2007-08-24T23:20:00.000-05:00

I love Fridays. This Friday was particularly significant, but regardless, I love Fridays. Did I say love? For the next 7 weeks, I will love Fridays even more because Saturday is my rest day - no gym. Although I love working out, really I do, I am SO GLAD that I don't have to get up at 6:00 tomorrow morning!

My weigh-in was 160.8 this morning, down from last week's 162.2, which was up from the previous week's 160.8. So... back to where I was 2 weeks ago. Tea mentioned in a comment looking at a monthly trend, which I will be observing this month. Nevertheless, next week the plan is to skip even the post-workout starchy carbs, and see how that affects my weight. My waist was down 1 inch though, which was great.

I have noticed something strange. Since I only allow myself to eat 'treats' on the weekend, I find that what I want is not as pressing. Even though I can eat what I want, I still try to be careful to only eat what I want. Not to just eat something because I can. And sometimes that means eating nothing at all out of the ordinary, but that's ok. I still don't want to waste the calories, and gain an extra pound (even if it will come off in a day or two) unnecessarily. Which, I know, is also a testament to how much I've grown when it comes to my food consumption. So, I'm off to enjoy the weekend, and an upcoming, long overdue, week off.

Do I Have To?

2007-08-23T21:31:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days when I did not want to get up. The alarm went off, and instead of jumping up as I've been doing this week, I lay there and wondered if it was absolutely necessary for me to work out this morning, what if I did it tonight instead, maybe I can just skip it altogether. Although I did get up a bit later than I had planned, I did make my way to the gym for a 30:00 cardio workout. I hit the stairclimber for the first time in a while, and it was interesting. I almost forgot how challenging that machine is. It was nice though - nothing like a good morning sweat!

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. We'll see what the morning holds, but my weight just hasn't dropped this week like it did two weeks ago. Either that was a fluke, never to happen again, or something I am doing is preventing my body from letting go of the weight like it wants to. Or like I want it to. I know that I have exercised for the past 2 weeks, as opposed to the previous one, and I have eaten carbs immediately following my workout. Next week I am going to try giving up the carbs, and see what happens. If I lose at the same rate, I know the other week was pretty much a fluke.

Tooting my own horn: I went to Bertucci's today and faced down their rolls. I won. I ate a chopped salad with chicken. It was pretty good! Yesterday I had to face my almost former employer's homemade blueberry crumb cake. Again... I won. Tomorrow - 6:00 wake-up call, a 2-mile run & total body weight routine, then off for a full day of work. My last at one of my jobs. Nevertheless... TGIalmostF!

In the Running

2007-08-22T22:06:00.000-05:00

I was up at 6:15 this morning for a 2.5 mile run. Ummm... it was chilly this morning! I had to put on a lightweight jacket, in August. Not happy. Anyway, it was a shorter run than Monday, but it was harder. My HR was higher, so I assume I was moving faster. I was just a bit uncomfortable, for some reason. But I made it. Thanks to Dave, I used mapmyrun to figure out exactly how far I ran, which was cool.

Someone asked me if running is 'my sport'. She said it seems to be what I always come back to, and it's true. I bought a tennis racket, took boxing classes, step classes, want to take karate and go back to boxing. Want to really learn how to swim. Love the stairclimber at the gym. But no matter what, I always come back to running. Maybe it is 'my sport'.

I think part of what I love about it is the challenge. When you run, you're always just one step away from quitting, which for me would be walking. So it's a challenge to keep going, even when I don't feel like it. I have definitely learned many lessons about tenacity and perseverence, not to mention my body's ability to push past the limits my mind has set for it. Love it.

On another note - someone I haven't seen in months told me I'm melting away. Awe shucks! And the guys that break their necks to watch me run in the morning are a nice ego boost. But really, do they think I'm going to stop running? Nah... catch me at the finish line, wherever that may be. ;)

Short & Sweet (like me....)

2007-08-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

It's past my bedtime, so I'll keep this short & sweet. I was up this morning @ 6:00, and although I spent a few extra minutes looking for a hair clip, I was out of the house by 6:20 or so. I ran 3 miles, with my heartrate pretty consistently up in the 'beep' range of my HR monitor (80%). As I said yesterday, I was concerned about my stamina, since my cardio has been HIIT, not steady-state. But it was easier than I expected. When I finished, I felt like I could have kept running. My time for the 3 miles was 34:00, which is a good baseline time for me to know. So I was proud of myself for completing my run without wanting to collapse, and then to top it all off I put on an old pair of size 10 Old Navy jeans, and they actually fit with room to spare. Woo hoo! I haven't been able to wear those jeans for about 2 years, so I started off today feeling pretty good.

The Week Ahead

2007-08-19T20:35:00.000-05:00

I have kind of a big week coming up. This is my last week at a job that I have been at for nearly 5 years. Although I am leaving for a good reason (getting my Master's Degree), it's bittersweet. The family that I work for has been very good to me, and I love the kids that I take care of, and their parents.

I am also starting my 10K program tomorrow, so I will be up every day around 6, running. Tomorrow is my first 3 mile run in a long time, so I'm a bit nervous. I've been doing HIIT, which I know is actually more challenging than steady-state, but still...

I'm actually still sore from my workout yesterday, which will make tomorrow even more fun. But I'm sure I can handle it, and I will feel accomplished when I'm finished. Of course, tomorrow is also my 'back to the grind' day. This week I will have a carb meal pretty much every day, right after my workout. We'll see how, if at all, this affects my weight. But for now, I'm off to enjoy my last Sunday hoorah, and then off to bed. Have a good week!

300...

2007-08-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

I did the 300 workout again today. My time was 38:00 (37:57 to be exact), which is about the same as last time. But that's cool, because I did all 50 of my deadlifts with a 110 lb barbell. Last time I did 30 with 110, and 20 with 90. So... I'm stronger. Cool! :) My goal is to be able to deadlift my weight, which I am not too far off. I also did an extra consecutive push up (31), but I think I could have done more. Oh well...

Although my weekends are my time to eat what I want, I have toned it down a bit so far this weekend. I am going to spend part of my day tomorrow mapping out some additions to my regimen, like taking my waist measurement weekly (inspired by marcol's blog). My 10K program starts Monday, so I really want to have my stuff together so I can make the most of the next 8 weeks.

While It's On My Mind...

2007-08-17T15:52:00.001-05:00

1) Lunges are special. They are designed by God to work a muscle that you barely know is there without them. I guess that's not a bad thing. But the soreness is fun...

2)Gym etiquette - someone should write a book. Now, maybe I have high expectations, but the other day I was supersetting a squat and a row. I left my stuff at the squat rack. Two guys went to the squat rack and just set up their stuff and started using it. Never did they look around to see who the stuff belonged to or anything. Since I was actually finished with my squats, I didn't raise hell. But when I went over to get my stuff, do you think one of them said 'oh, sorry were you using this?'... NOPE!

3) I'm a 10! Not on a scale of 1 to 10, a size 10. It's official. I bought 2 pair of pants at the Gap, size 10s, unsure as to whether or not they would actually fit. They did. Yay! Now, they are a little snug, but they fit a whole lot better than my 12s. I haven't been a 10 since 2005, so I'm glad about that. But I don't plan to stay here long - movin on down the scale...

4) Your weight loss tells a lot about other people. Almost two years ago, when I first started to put on weight (I was going through Hell:Part 1), the mother of the woman I worked for, who is in her 60s and extremely weight-conscious, engaged me in conversation about weight. Here it is:
Her: So, my daughter says you're doing South Beach.
Me: Yeah... I have been under a lot of stress lately, and I've gained some weight.Her: You sure have!
Now, I cracked up then, later, and it still makes me smile at least. I wasn't offended - I knew I had gained weight, it was not a newsflash. I proceeded to gain 25 or so more lbs (Hell:Parts 2 & 3), and saw her occasionally during this process. Since I started losing weight, I have seen her twice - once at around a 15 - 20 lb loss, and recently at a 40-lb loss. Did she say anything?! No! Now, why is it so much easier to comment negatively but not positively? I know other people who have acted the same way. It's too bad that some people aren't secure enough to be able to commend someone else's achievements. But oh well - that's their problem.

Live & Learn...

2007-08-16T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm in one of those weird phases of weight loss. Nothing fits anymore. So even though I've lost weight, when I look in the mirror, I don't see it because I'm wearing the clothes that I wore when I was bigger. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the fact that my clothes are too big. Very grateful. But I don't like the fact that I don't look good in my clothes because they're too big.

My weight has not been going down like it did last week. I'm doing everything I did last week, diet wise. The only difference is that I have worked out (two weight training sessions plus cardio and 1 HIIT only session), and had a carb meal (turkey sandwich and wrap) immediately after my workout. I said (prophetic?) that all I could do is my part - eat right, exercise, etc., and how my body decides to lose weight is up to it. OK, but my weigh-in day is tomorrow, and I will analyze the hell out of what my body decided to do and do my part to change it. But it's funny - I was so excited about my weight loss this week, and it motivated me to repeat my strict Monday - Friday eating. How will it affect me if I didn't lose any weight this week? Will I be motivated to continue to avoid the sweets that tempt me every day? Well, I better be. One bad week certainly doth not a weight loss journey make. I know well enough to know that you have to do the right thing for a while, whether or not it seems to be working. But I will definitely learn from this week one way or another.

Back in the Saddle

2007-08-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

Today was my first weight training session in 2 weeks. It was good! After I finished my weights & cardio, I thought to myself 'I am a gym rat'. I love working out! Maybe I'm crazy, but to me, it doesn't count if you don't feel like you can hardly make it. Work hard, lift heavy, or go home, is how I see it. I think I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from knowing that I have pushed past my comfort zone.

After my workout I ate a sandwich. It wasn't that great, so I didn't eat it all. The little shop where I bought my lunch has this really good cookie. I looked at it. There was a time when going there was pretty much a guarantee I would have one, maybe even buy an extra for good measure. I didn't. I have realized that, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, is the thought that I have to have [fill in the blank] now because I don't know when I can have it again. That's part of what makes me have 2 Thai iced teas instead of 1, or buy a cookie, or finish eating something I don't want. I don't do that stuff anymore, but I realized that it's ok to pass it up, because I can always come back another time, so to speak. Is it gluttony? Hoarding? I dunno, but it made me fat, so I'm glad I'm working through it.

It's Official...

2007-08-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

I lost weight. You know how you know it, but don't at the same time? But sometimes things happen, and they make you say 'wow. i really have lost weight'. I have a few of those moments to share. Unlike Billy, I'm not sick of the compliments yet. Of course, also unlike Billy, I haven't reached my goal yet... Anyway, a few compliments I got this weekend:

'You're so thin' - from a friend who I haven't seen in about a month.
'Rebecca is one of the most driven people I know' - from my friend to her pastor, about me
'You look great. Where did you go?' - from her mom [my answer: i'm still right here, and I have belly fat to prove it]
'You're losing weight. You look good girl' - from the grandmother of the cutie I take care of

I bought a few shirts from Old Navy. Last year I had to buy my tank tops for a spring vacation in Large, and they still didn't hide my belly. Now I can comfortably wear a medium. The capris that I bought in the beginning of the summer are now hanging. Size 12. I can look down, into my waistband, and see the floor. Won't be able to wear those next summer!

On another note, today was a fine day in terms of my diet. Of course, there was roasted pistachio toffee at one of the houses I work at (it's yummy) but it barely registered on my radar. But I ate too much meat at lunch, and it kind of threw my stomach off. That, coupled with last night's pizza, will make an interesting weigh-in tomorrow morning... Remember when I said life is better when you poop? Well... life is not so good for me today. :) Pizza sometimes does that to me. But it was good!

I decided to skip my run this morning, in light of my upcoming 10K prep and back to school schedule which will have me up early almost every morning. So while I can sleep in a bit, I should take advantage of it, I think. So I did. I will be at the gym the rest of the week. My cat didn't agree with my decision, and cried like a banchee this morning, but whatever. At least I was lying down. Which I am about to do now. Night!

Back to the Grind

2007-08-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

Last week I decided to change my 'diet' plan, following a strict low-carb/high protein plan Monday - Friday, and being more lenient on the weekends. As you well know, this produces a high Monday morning weigh-in, but it usually ends up in weight loss by the end of the week. I know, this isn't for everybody, but it seems to work for me. Last week, I lost 2 pounds, and I'm shooting for that much this week. I know that my body has a mind of its own, but I'm going to give it every reason to lose 2 pounds. If it decides to shed some more, I won't complain. If less, I'll only complain a little bit, but I will at least be able to say 'I did my part'. So, what did I do last week:
1) I ate every 2-3 hours
2) I ate no carbs, except for veggies/fruit and a low-carb tortilla
3) I drank at least 10 cups of water/day
4) I ate no more than 1700 calories
5) I ate at least 5 servings of fruits & veggies every day except for one

I plan to do the same this week. The difference will be that I will be exercising pretty much every day, and on Tuesday & Thursday, when I lift weights, I will allow myself a 3-hour carb window. This carb window will not be a license to eat junk, however. In prep for my increased running, it will just give me the carbs I need to replenish my body.

I just wanted to put that out there for the record. Tomorrow morning I'm up at 6:30 for an early morning HIIT jog session. Nothing like a good morning jaunt to get the blood pumping. Literally. So I'm off to bed. Here's to a good weight loss week for everybody.

Does Almost Count?

2007-08-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I was all excited because, for the first time in this journey, my weight went under 160. Woo hoo! Well, I've been excited all week because my weight has been dropping like crazy. I'm down nearly 5 pounds from Monday. For those of you who don't know, I usually have a cheat day on Sunday, which sends my weight up, but it comes back down by the end of the week. However, my official weigh-in day is Friday, and I am down 2.2 lbs since last Friday.

So, because every day this week the scale has dropped at least 1 lb, I expected that today I'd be down even further. But I wasn't. I was disappointed, to say the least, but still excited that I lost 2.2 lbs without exercise! I knew that this week I would have to be strict because I took a week off from the gym (I'm ready to get back in there Sunday morning). But it has made me analyze my behavior. Without realizing it, I think I have taken advantage of my exercise, and used it as a license to blur the perameters of my diet. However, having lost 2 pounds without exercising, while sticking to a fairly strict diet, will make me expect more from myself from this point forward. I should lose, usually, at least 2 lbs/week with exercise, if I could lose 2 lbs without it. Secondly, it reminded me of what I am capable of. I remember telling my brother that I was having a hard time not eating carbs. Being the disciplined man that he is, he was like 'oh. why?' And being the disciplined woman that I am, I said 'I dunno.' And now I remember that it's just a matter of making up my mind - knowing what works, wanting the results, and doing what it takes. Although I have been minorly tempted, I really haven't had to struggle to stay on track. And today, when I was a little more relaxed, I didn't grab the first starch I could find. It was kinda like 'well, you've gone this whole week, now choose carefully and only eat what you really want'. So that's what I did. But this week has reenergized my weight loss fire. I'm ready to burn off that last 20 lbs baby!

I am also feeling a bit more confident about my 10K plans because someone who runs 100 mile races told me that I can increase my running & still stick to a low-carb diet, eating a carb meal after a workout. Phew! I was afraid that my diet & workout regimen wouldn't work well together, but hopefully it will be fine.

Well, all week I have been looking forward to having a drink & relaxing at home tonight, so that's what I'm gonna do, then hopefully have a nice long good night's sleep. Have a great weekend everybody!

Hey Shorty!

2007-08-08T21:45:00.000-05:00

I made a decision that Monday August 6 was going to be a restart date for me. Clean eating for the whole week - no treats, no cheats, no starch. Except for a low carb tortilla today, I have remained true to my decision. Today, however, I was tempted. Of course, I haven't visited Rosie's Bakery all week. But the one day the kids want smoothies happens to be the day that they are displaying the 'chocolate chip shorty'. Yum. Man oh man, I thought 'well, they don't have it that often. it won't hurt me that much'. But I resisted. (are you so proud of me, that i did that?) :)

The scale has been rewarding me for my good behavior so far this week, which of course motivates me to keep it up. My dad used to always tell me that success begets success. I may not say this often, but he was right. The fact that every day this week my weight has dropped has kept me on the straight & narrrow, so to speak. I want to be able to get to Friday and know that I did everything in my power to get the results. Sadly though, I am just now getting to my lowest weight so far. I mean, better late than never (but better still, never late). I would love to get to Setember 12 (my one-year weight loss anniversary), and have lost 50 lbs, but I don't know if that will happen. Furthermore, what I have been doing this week has worked for me all the time - high protein, low carb, very little, if any, sweets during the week. I don't know how I got away from that in the first place. Well, yes, I do - one 'it'll be ok' at a time. It's a slippery slope. I am definitely a firm believer in moderation, and I know that being the rebellious woman that I am, I need to have the flexibility to eat what I want. But, I also need firm guidelines, because when I stick with them, I win (lose). So, hopefully I will keep that in mind as this part of my journey comes to a close over the next few months.

So Fresh and So Clean!

2007-08-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to report another clean eating day. I actually will get a sticker on the fruits & veggies section of my little chart, which is unheard of for me. But I stocked up on vegetables at the store today - I don't know how I'm going to eat them all, but I will try. No gym is hard for me, but it does have its rewards - more sleep!

Are You So Proud of Me?

2007-08-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm proud of myself today. I resisted scones, dark chocolate covered caramels, and a host of other carby treats. It's one thing when you are in an environment that you control. It's a whole nother thing to spend the majority of your day in an uncontrolled environment, as we all know. Especially someone else's house. But I made a decision that I would not eat starchy carbs this week, and that is what I did. Sometimes it's hard to do so after coming off of a couple of loose days, but I was determined.

I have been doing some research, because I do not want to gain weight when I start training for this 10K. My nature is to be a bit impulsive sometimes, but I feel like it's important that I be as prepared as possible in this situation, because I don't want a lack of knowledge to result in unnecessary failure. Actually, losing weight has really helped me to understand the importance of proper planning. I mean, already I like to plan - I buy calendars in advance, I write everything down, plan out my days hour by hour. I already have a written plan for the first month of school - when I go to the gym, etc, leading up to the race. It makes me feel a bit more in control. But when it comes to losing weight, it's more than just a personality trait - it's absolutely essential. As someone I know said 'when you fail to plan, you plan to fail.' Amen!

PS - I take care of a very funny 4 year old, and one day she did a trick on the monkey bars and said 'are you so proud of me, that i did that?' it was funny - hence the title of this blog. :)

Hiatus

2007-08-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

I have been on a bit of an unspoken hiatus. Nothing crazy, just a little loose. Sort of the mediocrity Rob blogged about the other day. But it had an end. Today. I am in the process of reconfiguring my plan anyway - changing my weigh-in day, which affects my 'cheat' days, and then next week starting a different work out regimen. The training program for the 10K is 8 weeks long, and it involves 4 days of running, beginning with 2.5 miles/workout, and ending with close to 6. For some reason I have wanted to run a marathon for years. It's one of those weird things that I don't know the origin of. I may never run a marathon, but hopefully I will be able to end 2007 with a 5K and 10K under my belt. But this race will be my first, and even though I am also doing a PN challenge which focuses on changing body composition, I am determined to train for it. I think I need the challenge, plus I feel like there is a runner somewhere inside of me. I don't care what my time is, I just want to run the whole 6.2 miles. Truth be told, I'm a bit intimidated, because the workout schedule will require me to work out 6 days/week, and most of those days, because of my school/work/internship schedule, I will have to be up around 5:30/6:00 am most days of the week, at least for the first month of school. Big fun!

So tomorrow is back on the saddle. My Internet has not been working, and it has impacted my calorie counting & blogging. But it's fixed now, and that's what matters - no excuses! Back to inputting my calories every day, eating 'clean' (no starchy carbs this week, lots of protein, fruits & veggies), blogging, and hopefully losing some weight! No cookies....

It's Time to Blog

2007-08-02T21:48:00.000-05:00

OK, when KEVIN comments on my blog, I know it's time for a post. He never comments!

Truth be told, there's not much to say. Well, there is, but believe me, you don't want to hear it! I have a lot of drama going on, and I am trying my best to hold on to my sanity, let alone my weight loss/fitness goals. The good news is that I am not far off track. Meaning, no weight gain. Yay! I am taking a couple of scheduled weeks off from the gym, and on August 19 I am going to start training for my 10K, which will be 8 weeks of 6 days/week at the gym. So, this week no weights, only cardio, and next week, nothing. That will be hard for me! But I am sure that my body needs a break, because since September, I really haven't taken one. Breaks are not my strong suit.

I actually threw away a lemon cookie yesterday! I bought it yesterday afternoon, but I filled up on chicken & veggies and didn't have room for it. Later that evening (can we say dessert time) I still resisted it, and ultimately threw it in the trash! Sometimes I think I just buy stuff to show that I'm a grown-ass woman that can eat what I want... even if I decide not to eat it. Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

TGIF

2007-07-27T22:50:00.001-05:00

I made it to the gym this morning, with the help of 2 alarms. Of course, it helped that I didn't sleep well, so I was already half-awake. Leaving that aside, I did my 300 workout today. I decreased the assistance on my chin-ups to 80 lbs (from 90 lbs), did 30 deadlifts with 110 lbs and 20 with 90 lbs; did 50 box jumps nonstop, and 25 floor wipers. Let me pause here and say that floor wipers are NO JOKE. My legs felt like rubber, and my abs were on fire. After that I did 25 sit-ups. The workout also includes 50 push-ups, and 50 dumbbell clean & press. Great way to start my morning! I also found out that the lemon cookie that I love so much is 310 calories, with 44 g carbs & 9 grams of fat - all saturated. The funny thing is that now that I know exactly what it consists of, it will be harder for me to just kind of chalk it up as a treat. I must enter it into my food log, and it will affect my macros and calories every time I eat it. Hopefully, that will be a deterrent. One more day until the July challenge is over - tomorrow I must be a good girl and refrain from all things resembling treats so that I can have the minimum weigh-in possible. Up at 7:30 tomorrow for a cardio workout. Off to bed now!

Props

2007-07-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

I have to give myself props today, because I resisted the dark force of cookies! Actually, even before that, I made a good choice. I overslept and missed my workout this morning (which was ok, because I got good sleep), and was in a rush. I brought protein powder with me to work, expecting to mix it with some milk. But there was no milk! There was, however, a chocolate chip cookie cake (yum)... I surely did consider eating some for breakfast. I literally pulled it out of the fridge at least 3 times today, but I managed to put it back without indulging.

I checked the freezer, which is chock full of carbs, and saw some breakfast patties, which have lots of protein. Although I didn't particularly want that, I ate it, and felt good knowing that it was a much better choice than my (tastier) alternatives. Then, later, I resisted the temptation to swing by whole foods for a cookie, and passed up a cookie from the place where I bought my lunch, which I almost never do. The day was not a complete success, but I did a few things right, which I am proud of. I am really trying to just hold on until Sunday, because my weight is finally on a downward turn, and I want to keep it going. It's unrealistic, but I'm hoping to break through the 160's this week, and that will only happen if I do the right thing.

Out of the Loop

2007-07-25T21:58:00.000-05:00

I just took a stroll through some blogs, which I haven't really had much time to read over the past couple of days, and it makes me feel a bit better about where I am. I can't say that I'm completely off the wagon, but I'm not exactly riding high either. There's a slippery slope that I've started down. I discovered these really tasty lemon coconut cookies, and I've had 1 every day this week. Naughty naughty! I haven't been diligent about keeping track of my calories. Funny, last week it was the workouts that got the short end of the stick, and this week it's the diet. That's not to say that I ate perfectly last week either. Anyway, I know what the problem is - I don't have a plan! I have wavered between a few different regimens, and I am not really solid on what I'm doing right now. I am one of those people who needs a plan, or I'm just a mess. Usually this is something I do on the weekends, but if I don't harness my cookie cravings, I will gain weight instead of lose it, and that's no good. So... I need to get my act together. It also doesn't help I guess that I've got lots of different things going on personally, lots and lots of change on the horizon, which makes me have trouble sleeping, which leads to less resistance to bad food. What a tangled web...

I did, however, make it to the gym early this morning, in spite of a virtually sleepless night. And I plan to bang out some cardio first thing in the morning, and again at night. So at least I'm doing something right I suppose....

On the Right Track

2007-07-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

Unlike last Monday, I made it to the gym today. The weightlifting portion of my workout was cool, it was the cardio that kicked my butt. I remember when I first started doing HIIT on the treadmill back in April. 7.0 was my high intensity speed, and I felt like I was going to fall off the treadmill any minute. Now I do 7.0 (it still kicks my ass), but it's much easier, and I can do it for longer (2:00 intervals instead of 1:00), and my recovery intervals are shorter too. I like the little things that let me know that I am making progress, even when the scale doesn't cooperate. :)

Do Better

2007-07-22T21:38:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday I did the 300 workout again. Last time, I left out the push ups & box jumps when I was detailing the workout. But just in case you missed it, here's the breakdown:

25 Assisted Pull-Ups - 90 lb assistance
50 Deadlifts - 110 lbs - 20/90 lbs - 30 (heavier from last time)
30 Push Ups
50 Box Jumps
20 Push Ups
50 Sit Ups
50 Dumbbell Clean & Press
25 Pull Ups - 80 lbs assistance

I did this in 33:00, which is 3:00 less than my previous time, in spite of the fact that I went heavier on the deadlifts. I am proud of myself.

Unfortunately, I didn't lose any weight this week. It wasn't a great week, on multiple levels. My eating was spotty, my exercise was spotty, i didn't get enough sleep by far... All I can do, though, is improve in the areas I can this week: eat better (more veggies, more protein, less junk) and go to the gym when I'm supposed to.

Visualize

2007-07-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

So, I need to light a fire under my butt too. This has not been a good exercise week for me. Not only did I not make it to the gym this morning, I didn't get enough sleep. Not a good combination. Combined with the fact that I missed my workout on Sunday and skipped on Monday, I am not feeling very committed. But, I will go tomorrow morning and Saturday, and next week will be better. At least my eating wasn't too bad today. There is an orange soda in the fridge with my name on it. Let's see if I answer the call.

In the spirit of visualization, I put a picture of Serena Williams right at the top of my blog in an attempt to keep myself focused. Let's hope it works! Venus is my hero, but Serena has the body I want. I have accepted the various aspects of my body that won't change - my arms have been and always will be thick, but they can at least be defined & muscular. My thighs, also on the thick side, but again... they can be defined & muscular. I do not have delusions of body alteration - genes rule. I do, however, know that I can take my genes and work with them to create the body I want to have.

Last but not least, today I wore a skirt (size 12), that I bought about 6 weeks ago. Can we say... TOO BIG? I'm going to have to give it away, which is an ego boost but also a bit frustrating. But that makes it official - I have dropped 3 sizes so far. And sizes to go before I sleep. Yay me!

This One's for Kristen

2007-07-17T22:51:00.000-05:00

This upper & lower arm sweat is the result of my cardio workout this afternoon. I had to post it cuz I know how much Kristen loves lower arm sweat in particular. I did double gym duty today, trying to make up for my slacker status for the past couple of days. Gotta lose some weight this week! And preferably more than .4 lbs. ;)
Last night I went out to a local event and saw a bunch
of people I haven't seen in a minute (that's slang for a long time). :) I remember when I had gained weight, I didn't want to be seen too much by people who didn't see me often. So it felt good to show up at the event, knowing that I looked at least as good as the last time they saw me. Meaning, some of them didn't know about the 40 lbs I gained, and they never will. That makes me happy, cuz it lets me know that I have been handling my business. And now I'm off to bed to handle the business of sleep so I can get up in the morning and burn some calories. Nighty night!

Inner Athlete?

2007-07-17T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's been so long, I hardly know where to begin! (Sorry Billy) My eating has been far from on point lately. I even skipped my workout yesterday and traded today's workout for a small shopping trip. Bad girl! But tomorrow I will be at the gym, and at the track, trying to hold it down. I really need to go to bed, like an hour ago, so I can get up in the morning and plan my life for the next 17 weeks, since I officially joined the PN Body Transformation Challenge. Today was not a stellar start for that! The only thing I did right was my high-protein breakfast. I've been thinking lately (probably brought on in part by seeing my brother) about my body build and athleticism. I have never been athletic. I hated gym class. Found excuses to skip it. Was the last to be picked for teams like kickball. Did I mention I hated gym class? Yet, over the past few years, I have found myself interested in all kinds of athletic endeavors. I have taken a couple of boxing classes (real boxing, plus numerous variations on tae bo and the like), tried to do rock climbing (liked it but the schedule didn't work for me, plus I was at my highest weight then and felt a little, shall we say, HEAVY). Just about every type of class my gym offered I tried. I have a constant desire to try new sporty things, even if I am not sure whether or not I will be good at them. I bought a tennis raquet last week and am looking into joining some type of league and finding a way to incorporate it into my fitness regimen. Training for a 10K starting in August. I'm starting to think that maybe, after all these years, there is an athlete in me somewhere. Perhaps my reluctance to participate in gym class and my lack of skill at certain activities had less to do with my actual innate ability and more to do with my body image and the fact that I am not good at everything. I am definitely not one of those 'natural' athletes who excels at everything they do. I have no aim, I suck at pool, bowling, basketball... However, I am starting to come to grips with the idea that I am good at something, I just have to find out what it is.

On the weight loss front, I have had a few bad days. Lots of things have taken me off my regular routine. I'm not worried, cuz I know my level of commitment to working out and getting where I want to be. I have a lot going on right now, lots of impending change in my life, and truth be told, it feels like a lot. A whole hell of a lot. Enough to show up in my dreams and slow down my ability to fall asleep. But I refuse to succumb to the pressure. Or, to let my weight loss/fitness goals fall by the wayside. I know that we have all continued to lose weight while life is happening around us, and I guess this will be a test for me. Plus I still have a bunch of weight to lose to lose my 10 lbs for July.

Kick Ass Workout

2007-07-12T22:14:00.000-05:00

Today I did the 300 workout again. Um.... WHOA. It took me 4:00 longer than last time, but I increased my weight on pretty much everything I did. Here's the breakdown:

Deadlift - 110 lbs - 15/ 90 lbs - 10/ 70 lbs - 25
Box Jump - 5 risers instead of 4
Sit Ups - I did actual sit ups instead of crunches
DB Clean & Press - 15 lbs (up from 12.5 lbs, and I did the press this time)

Well, needless to say I was sweating like crazy, and my heart rate even got up as high as it gets from running up & down the stairs 7 times. But it was nice to see that I did more this time, whether I got stronger or just had the potential to do more last week. Regardless, I had a good workout.

On another note, I have had two compliments that I must share:
I had to get 2 shots yesterday, and I asked whether I could still lift weights. The nurse asked me if I am a personal trainer. Moi?! I'll take it! And a young lady that I haven't seen at the gym in a while said I am 'much skinnier', and 'half my size'. Awe, thanks Veronica!

Quitters Never Even Try To Win...

2007-07-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

When I first started losing weight, I was afraid that I was not going to see it through. I knew that I wanted to lose (gulp) 60-70 lbs, but I thought that I would lose maybe 20 lbs or so and then quit. As you can see, I have not done that. In retrospect I'm not exactly sure where that fear came from, because I am NOT a quitter. In fact, my most heartbreaking struggles have come as a result of not knowing when to quit, or knowing when to quit and feeling such a profound level of commitment and responsibility and guilt that I didn't quit soon enough. Anyway... I have been considering entering the PN Body Transformation challenge, but have been a bit reluctant. Part of my reluctance, I have realized, comes from my fear that I will quit. On the other hand, I know that the challenge itself will motivate me to really push myself. Accountability is a strong force for me (notice the 10K that I posted specifics about for, yup, you guessed it, accountability). I am pretty much at a weight where I existed happily for a couple of years of my adult life. It might be easy for me to rediscover that happy existence and stay at a slightly chubby weight. But let me tell you, being forced to post pictures of myself on the Internet for the perusal of perfect strangers who might say 'i don't really see a difference' after 17 weeks, will motivate me to do whatever I need to do to get the job done. So, I'm thinking I'm gonna suck it up, pay the $100, put myself out there and go ahead and join the challenge. I have until Monday @ midnight to decide, so we'll see...

On another note, today was a poor eating day. Probably a C-. Gotta do better. Eating enough protein would be a GREAT start. Tomorrow's another day!

My New Hero

2007-07-09T22:27:00.001-05:00

OK, I just have to say that Venus Williams is my new hero. I am no tennis aficionado, believe me (although I did buy a raquet the other day), and I have only paid a little above minimal attention to the Williams sisters. However, Venus' recent Wimbledon win caught my attention big time. For her to come from 23rd (or something like that) to win Wimbledon, setting a record for the lowest-seeded female to win Wimbledon... now THAT is next level badass. To serve 124 mph serve at match point?! WHOA!! And the crazy thing is, she believed she could do it the whole time, regardless of her ranking. She says she never doubted herself. Apparently her parents basically instilled in her (and her sister I assume) from an early age that she could win Wimbledon, and she has never doubted it. I just think that the power of a positive self-image is amazing. Not that cuz you think it it happens, like my church background teaches. But because when you believe you can't be beat, you don't let anything beat you. It may knock you down, but it won't keep you down.

I was reading a John Berardi article about what it takes to be a champion, and he says that research has found that people who overcome obstacles all have a positive self-image in common. I believe it. How many things have we not even attempted because we believed we would fail? How often does fear of failure stop us from even leaving the bench? I know before I joined Weight Watchers and started to lose weight I would hear people talking about losing weight, even small amounts, and say to myself 'I can't do that'. I don't know why I thought I couldn't. Obviously I know now that I can. And ironically, losing weight helped me get myself together to apply to grad school and just generally have a better self-image. Not because I'm smaller (although that does help), but because I now have under my belt a brand new accomplishment. I realized that I have it in me to discipline myself, get up & work out, follow an exercise & diet regimen, and do all the other stuff that has been required for me to lose almost 40 pounds. And you know what? I'm proud of myself, dammit! And we should all be proud of ourselves, whether we've lost 4 or 40 pounds, or pushed through to the other side of other difficulties. YAY US!!

Life is Better...

2007-07-07T22:46:00.000-05:00

1) When you poop. I know it's gross, but one thing that I have paid more attention to since I have started losing weight is my poop. After a bout of being clogged up due to (i think) too much iron, I really value going to the bathroom.

2) When you wear your glasses. Of course, that's for me, who is supposed to wear glasses. I went to see Transformers the other day with my bro & sis, and I kept thinking how much better it was to watch with my glasses on. Who knew?!

3) When you sweat. Regularly. Yes, Kristen, even on your lower arms. :) It feels so good to go home sweaty, after you just pressed past the limits of what you felt like you could do, or felt like doing.

4) When you're in control of food. Not that you don't eat/drink what you like in moderation. But when you just eat too much of stuff that makes you feel bad, you feel... bad. About yourself. And you physically feel bad. It's just bad. I still eat stuff that I like sometimes, but I feel better that it's only sometimes.

5) When you sleep. Last summer, I was working 4-6 overnight shifts/week, plus my regular afternoon job, and I lived on about 4 hrs of sleep/day. Sometimes, no sleep. Life is SO much better when you sleep! Last summer, I put on about 20 pounds, and I'm convinced that my lack of sleep had something to do with it. Of course,not as much as my daily breakfast of Dunkin Donuts, cinnamon buns, or Burger King. Plus my dinner of Burger King, or the Chateau, or a steak & cheese, or pizza... I'm sure you get the point. Now I can say 'i want a coffee', and know that I don't have to have one, and I will be ok. And that makes life better. :)

Progress

2007-07-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

For the past week or so, I've been exercising at the track - running/walking and running up the stairs. The stairs is big fun - 1:30 intervals of running, with walking and sometimes push-ups in between. At first, I could run up the stairs 6 times, maybe 7. Now I'm running a consistent 8, and my heart rate doesn't get up as high, which means it's actually gotten easier. And running is the same way - I have to run faster to get my heart rate up as high, and it doesn't take as long for it to come back down. Nice to see progress.

I did a '300' workout the other day - 50 reps each of 6 different exercises - deadlifts, push-ups, sit-ups, chin-ups, box jumps, dumbbell cleans. I thought it would take me a long time, but it only took me 32:00, which was surprising. I actually did 20 90-lb deadlifts, followed by 20 70-lb and 10 50-lb. I remember when doing 12 deadlifts with a 50-lb dumbbell was extremely taxing. Yay me! And when I got on the bike I realized that I had to push up my level toget my heart rate up as high, which was also cool. So basically I'm saying that my cardiovascular health and strength is growing, which is a nice feeling. For me, progress is what it's all about.

I saw my brother today (yay brud!). The first words out of his mouth were 'what's up skinny?'. Say it again Stinky, say it again! Now, skinny I am not, nor ever will be, nor desire to be, truthfully. But I will not deny that it felt good to have my brother, who is a man of few words, call me skinny. It's funny, cuz I was a bit worried - what if he can't tell I've lost weight since the last time I saw him? I'm gonna create a new goal - develop muscles that impress my brother on at least 1 place in my body. Nothing like a compliment from my older brother to motivate me!

Rebecca's Fitness Journey

2007-07-01T22:15:00.000-05:00

For me, weight loss is not just about weight loss. I had an extremely difficult 18 months, which resulted in a 40 lb weight gain. When everything else in my life was spiraling out of control, I lost control of my eating. Well, I gave up control. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I didn't have the emotional energy that is required to be self-disciplined. So when I decided to walk into a Weight Watchers meeting last September, I wasn't just making a decision to lose weight, I was taking my life back. Now, when I look in the mirror, the physical evidence of my struggle is gone. Of course, I bear the internal battle scars, and people who know me well can see them. But I am proud of the person that I have become. I have learned lessons about myself, relationships, and life overall, that I wouldn't trade anything for.

This blog chronicles my journey to fitness, and it encompasses far more than the scale. I didn't start Rebecca's Fitness Journey to be a part of a weight loss support group. Although I appreciate the encouraging comments and the support, I will not censor my blog. If its content doesn't fit someone else's perameters, that's ok. I will continue to have a blog, and I will continue to lose weight.

I just want to give props to my friend who just had a (cute) baby boy. She has been very concerned about losing her baby weight, and she has done a good job. She told me that she uses him to do squats and bench presses. Now, there is a perfect example of 'where there's a will, there's a way'. I appreciate the fact that she is doing what she can with what she has, and it's that kind of determination that will help her to be successful in her weight loss journey. That's what I'm talkin about baby! ;)

TGIF Again

2007-06-29T22:24:00.000-05:00

I'm SOOOO glad it's Friday. Not like I have some stellar weekend plans or anything. I'm just glad I don't have to go to work for two days. I gave my notice at a job I've had for almost 5 years, which is bittersweet. I am looking forward to starting school in September, but it will definitely be a major life change, which is always kinda scary.

I have not had a good week in terms of my eating this week. This is a time where my knowledge of my own ability to discipline myself is somewhat of a drawback. Part of it is somewhat calculated, but part of it is pure laziness. My week has epitomized the law that a body in motion stays in motion. Once I relaxed my perameters, it became easier to continue to do what I've been doing. But having a built-in STOP sign (June 30) did not help my self-discipline. I have been exercising, but not as diligently as I usually do. I figure 'I'm gonna have to bust my ass in July, so I might as well relax for the moment'. Wrong or right, it is what it is!

I'm trying to keep this blog simple because there seems to be so much stuff in the air that's complicated, and truth be told I have enough complications in my life already. I am not ashamed of the fact that I am in counseling, which I started when I realized that the majority of my family is crazy. For real. One of the things that my counselor emphasizes with me is the importance of self-awareness - what we say/do, and why we say/do it. In spite of the fact that these are 'only' cyber relationships, I hope that we are all willing, when necessary, to look honestly at ourselves and be the bigger person when we have screwed up. There is really no need for any of us to be involved with a group of people unless it makes a positive impact on our lives. Once that stops, it's time to go. I hope it doesn't come to that for anybody.

2007-06-26T22:26:00.000-05:00

Warning: this has nothing to do with diet, average weight or exercise.
I saw God today. I had lunch with Him actually, in the form of a woman named Cindy. I have known Cindy for 15+ years. She has played a major role in my life. I mean, when I broke up with my first real boyfriend, she stayed on the phone with me until all night until it was time for her to go to work, and didn't complain. She was a big sister/mom to me for a long time, and we fell out of touch. Well, I disconnected from her for no good reason. Well, I thought it was a good reason at the time, but in retrospect it was a really sucky one. But I digress. I reached out to her years later, and instead of being standoffish or stank, she welcomed me back with open arms. Ever since I called her out of the blue one day, she has been a great friend, and she represents God to me, whether she knows it or not.

Now, back to weight loss and the like. I got a great compliment today. Someone told me I look really fit, like I've been working out for a long time. Moi? Oh, please, say it again. :) I didn't make it to the gym this morning, but I did go to the track later with my GF, and had a nice interval run. It was different to run at the track with my heart rate monitor, which let me know that my exercise was pretty comparable to what I do at the gym in terms of cardio. Based on the way I ate today (a cookie, part of a brownie, pizza...), I will probably not lose any weight again this week. But, I know that come July 1, I will hit the ground running, cuz that's what I do. I actually, in my mind, decided that (not for lack of consistently trying) I will probably not have the body I want until next summer, and that's ok. Cuz next summer, I will be a force to be reckoned with! I looked for some races to run. Is anybody familiar with the Puma Pursuit? There's one up here in July, but I don't know what it's like, I'm thinking about doing it.

All My Fault

2007-06-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't lose any weight this week, but I have noone to blame but myself, and I know exactly what I did wrong. So... this week, back to business - no Rosie's treats, etc. But, on a more positive note, I took some measurements today. I have lost 10 inches off my waist since September. Whoa. About 5 inches off my hips, and a few off my thighs and arms, thank God. I decided to just call Afterburn a wrap, and today I made up my own workout, which was kind of fun. I wanted to see how much stronger I am now.
Deadlift - 90 lb barbell (used to do 50)
Split Squat - 20 lb dumbbells (used to do 12)
Push Press - 20 lb dumbbells (used to do 17.5)
Lat Pulldown - 100 lbs (used to do 75 or so)
Pullover - 15 lb dumbbells (used to do 10 or 12 - don't remember)
Lunge - 22.5 lb dumbbells
I'm still strategizing on how to double my weight loss for the sizzler challenge. In June I only lost 3 pounds... a far cry from 10! But I'm gonna figure something out Closers, don't you worry.

TGIF

2007-06-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

I dunno what it is, but today just was not a good eating day for me. I got up early and worked out (good). But I ate carbs afterward (bad), twice (worse). French toast sticks and corn bread. Hours apart, but not a part of my plan. And then I missed a meal, for no apparent reason except the fact that I probably overate and therefore wasn't hungry, and was busy. Therefore, I know I didn't have enough protein yet today. It just makes me feel off. I don't know how it's gonna affect my final weigh-in on Sunday, seeing as how my weight seems to be slow to re-calibrate this week. So at the very least, I will expect to be the same on Sunday, which will be better than being up a little honey, but nowhere near as good as being down. Of course, I will have noone to blame but myself, so whatever.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start in July (maybe that's part of the problem). Although I am not by nature competitive, I definitely throw myself into what I do, so I will go all out to pull my weight. No pun intended. ;)

Nothing Much Again

2007-06-21T21:24:00.001-05:00

Not too much to say today. I'm ready for the summer sizzler challenge. Bring it on FAT! Tomorrow is another early wake-up day, in spite of my Monday workout. I decided to cut my Afterburn program short, so I'll only be doing one week of the last section. Awe shucks. I do appreciate Afterburn, and I don't feel like a quitter, but I am looking forward to being able to create my own routines, and get some extra cardio in for the team. It's all about the team baby! My schedule is more open during the summer, the kids I take care of are in camp until 4:15, so I might even do some double cardio sessions. Woo hoo! By the way, if anyone is interested in a portable vegetable, I discovered sugar snap peas last week. Usually I have carrots with one of my lunches, but the sugar snap peas by Mann's give me another veggie for the afternoon. They're good, nice & crunchy. My brother will be here in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to seeing him & my sister-in-law, and it'll be cool cuz I'm about 25 pounds smaller than the last time they saw me. They're both losing weight too, so I guess we'll all be shadows of our former selves. Yay us!